Students of Yale, the 2008 Presidential Election is upon us. Are you ready to cast your ballot?
Now, I’m sure you think you are. You’ve read the candidates’ web sites, haven’t you? You know their positions on all the major issues: the war in Iraq, homeland security, the disaster that is the American economy, abortion, gay marriage, social security. You watched all the debates. You probably chugged a beer every time Sarah Palin said the word “maverick.” In fact, many of you have probably already voted, smugly sending off your absentee ballot this past week. But horror of horrors! You have made a decision based on incomplete information. The fate of our nation hangs in the balance, and 99% of voters remain ignorant in regards to one of the most crucial issues at hand!
I am, of course, talking about the culinary preferences of our presidential candidates.
Let us first consider the Republican nominee, John McCain. According to the popular food blog, So Good, McCain is a fan of both shrimp and pizza with pepperoni and onions. On the campaign trail, he snacks on doughnuts (no word on whether he’s a Dunkin’ man or prefers Krispy Kreme). His special culinary talent is barbecuing. And finally, the food that most reminds him of home is enchiladas.
What do these preferences tell us about John McCain? They tell us that he is more fit to be the president of Mexico than he is to be president of the United States of America. Good American presidents like turkey with mashed potatoes and apple pie, not enchiladas. Good American presidents do not sit in the back of their campaign buses chomping on doughnuts while millions of Americans suffer from obesity (and probably can’t afford to pay for medical treatments because they have no health care). You know who else likes doughnuts? Homer Simpson, that’s who. I don’t think any one of you out there is mentally prepared to have our nation run by a yellow cartoon character. And don’t even get me started on the “talent” of barbecuing; the only “talent” that barbecue requires is the talent of purchasing a tasty barbecue sauce. I’m going to go ahead and guess that John McCain’s personal barbecue sauce recipe is about as solid as his wife’s infamously plagiarized recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies.
Okay, let’s move on to Barack Obama. So Good tells us that Obama enjoys eating shrimp and grits as well as pizza from a Chicago restaurant called Italian Fiesta Pizzeria. It also notes that his favorite meal to cook is chili and that he particularly disdains food from Britain.
The most obvious observation here is that both presidential nominees have the exact same favorite foods: pizza and shrimp. For two learned men, I have to say that that’s really unimaginative. “Pizza” is how 6-year-olds normally respond to the query, “What’s your favorite food?” By the time you are 47 or 72 (McCain really has no excuse), one would hope that your tastes have evolved beyond those of a schoolboy’s. Perhaps we can then expect similarly unimaginative solutions to the problems that plague our country — solutions that appear to have been designed by a second-grader.
But let’s move on. Evidently, Obama is also better fit to be the president of Mexico, seeing as he eats pizza at a purportedly “Italian” restaurant that dares to have the word “fiesta” in its name. Since when is “fiesta” Italian? It isn’t. You know what else it isn’t? American.
As far as the disliking-British-food thing goes, well, you’ve got me there, because I can’t think of anyone who actually likes British food to begin with. Except for maybe Tony Blair.
I am forced to conclude that everyone who voted for either McCain or Obama made a huge and irrevocable mistake. For those of you who have yet to vote, I hope that I have inspired you to more closely consider what is at stake here. I plead with you to join me on November 4 in writing in the natural and ideal choice for president: Bobby Flay.