Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is really boring. Do I have to feign interest in other people’s “Cold War” essay topics?
When a Yale student recounts last night’s wacky dream at great length, tells stories about how high school was So Much Fun, lists each and every assignment he or she has to do for the rest of the semester or wistfully recalls incidents from a pre-orientation trip, it is mainly because said Yalie likes to hear the sound of his or her own voice.
If we were truly invested in interacting with other people (not about the medieval novel), we would have gone somewhere where the social hot spot is not, well, Toad’s. But in an effort to make the best of our present companions — pale, wide-eyed specters lurching out of the suicide study rooms in Bass Library — it is good to know how to successfully divert a boring conversation.
The Dream Story
Boring: Oh my god. Do I look tired? I feel like I look tired.
You: I can see a vein pulsing rhythmically to the beat of “Danny Boy” in your forehead.
Boring: Weird that you say that. I had this crazy dream last night that I was with Ms. Frizzle on the Magic School Bus and she was grading my bio homework and was like: “If you don’t eat your beans, I’m going to suspend you.” And then my mom was there and she was filing her taxes but she had a question about APR financing and I realized that I don’t know what that means and that I’m never going to be a functioning member of society.
You: “Gossip Girl” is on in 10. Thoughts on Dan and Serena’s breakup?
The High School Story
Boring: Hey, you! Stop right there. You look just like this girl from my high school. I think she’s pregnant now. Are you related to someone called Mindy Peruga?
Boring: The trouble old Mindy would get in … [Laughs] I was just remembering … [Laughs] Hypothalamus Club unite! That’s an inside joke.
You: I think I see Chuck Bass over there. How do you feel about his smirk? Sexy, or stroke victim — or sexy stroke victim?
The Homework Complaint
You: Man, this problem set sucks.
Boring: It might be a pain for you, but just listen to my schedule for a second [whips out Moleskine planner] I have a 40 page paper due in 12 minutes, nine novels to read, 12 starving children to feed and a bad case of the clap to get cured.
You: Did you know that David Scott Kastan is really Blair Waldorf in disguise?
The Pre-orientation Trip
Boring: And that’s when I was like: “That’s not a tomato, that’s a potato, silly!”
You: Next week, Serena van der Woodsen is going to become a nun but then start a Christian rock band and it might play at Spring Fling even though it’s fictional. Are you going to vote for it or for Sister Hazel?
Writing a column is not unlike talking to oneself, so I can’t be too critical. I can, however, discuss “Gossip Girl” any time. Find me in the study rooms in Bass Library. Chuck Bass Library.