Prof: Shiraz?

Plumber: What?

Prof: I’m so sorry; you’d never drink something like that. Let’s see: We must have a Heineken in here somewhere.

Plumber: No thanks. I don’t drink on the job.

Prof: Oh God! Silly me! Music then?

Plumber: What?

Prof: We’ve got Wagner! Too heavy. Clapton? Too bluesy.

Plumber: Really, it’s okay.

Prof: Spirit of the Drums! We got it in Taos!

Plumber: Listen, I just —

Prof: I wanna hear about your values, Mr. Plumberman.

II.Prof: You wanna beer, man?

Plumber: Ha, no thanks, I try not to drink on the job.

Prof: Ah, come on, dude. I know a cold one’s really gonna hit the spot for me right now.

Plumber: Oh my god. You just drank that whole beer.

Prof: Just you wait, bra.

The professor crushes the beer can on his forehead.

Plumber: Whoa.

Prof: You ever read Sartre, my man?


Prof: I just feel like my students don’t respect me.

Plumber: Uh-huh.

Prof: You wanna another… what is it you having?

Plumber: Actually I haven’t been drinking.

Prof: Huh! A better man than I. I mean they’re just such greedy little pricks.

Plumber: Who?

Prof: My students! My students. I mean, someone offered you a high-paying corporate job, what would you say?

Plumber: Well, I —

Prof: You’d say, hell no! Put you up in a suit every day, make you tap-tap away. That’s not you. You’re better than that. You’re beefier than that. In your soul. Beefy.

Plumber: Okay.

Prof: You’re so beefy I bet you wouldn’t even fit in a suit.

Plumber: You know, actually, I think I can only take cash.


Prof: Kids these days just don’t ask, you know, the big questions.

Plumber: The ones that don’t have answers. The ones that matter.

Prof: Yeah, exactly! Yeah.

Plumber: Well, don’t be too hard on them. I mean it’s scary, starting out. It’s a big chance to take.

Prof: But it’s a big chance you have to take.

Plumber: And there’s so many people telling them to take the other path: their parents probably and their school to some extent, but most of all society at large and how it measures success.

Prof: That’s true. Wow. You know I’m embarrassed to say this, but I didn’t think a plumber would speak so eloquently on a subject like this.

Plumber: Oh, I’m not a plumber. It’s just a day job. I’m a writer!

Prof: Oh that’s great.

Plumber: Being poor makes you creative!


Plumber: Woe unto me should I sip from the cup of the intelligentsia!

Prof: So that’s a no on the drink.

Plumber: How can you stand by, growing fat on your own guilt and —

Prof: Excuse me?

Plumber: — like a serpent in the mud, its belly full and smooth —

Prof: You’re here to —

Plumber: — venom sacs dribbling bitterness across —

Prof: — pipes are clogged and —

Plumber: — you know who the real enemy is and you disgrace yourself with your puny academic whining!

Prof: What are you talking about?

Plumber: Your true enemy is class! The seething putrescence at the heart of the American dream! Class! It must be cut out by the roots. You know the way!

Prof: Revolution!

Plumber: Let the ivory towers be torn up and made into battering rams! We will shatter the iron vaults of capitalism and ransom the dreams of our children!

Prof: Yes! Yes!

Plumber: Come comrade, there is no time to waste. We must strike while the bloated corporations are still somnolent with greed!

Prof: Yes! Hang on just one sec! I need to get my North Face!


The Professor enters with a guitar. He begins to sing a song of his own composition, to the tune of Wayne Cochran’s classic “Last Kiss.”


Oh where oh where could all the gender-queers be?

Entitled mediocrity took them away from me

All those J.Crew gays,

They just aren’t punk enough.

If only Yale’s grading curve

Were a lot more tough!

The Plumber is unsure of how to respond. The next verse begins.


Oh why oh why am I such a bitterkins?

Spoiled adolescents took my perspective away from me.

They should work harder,

then see it’s all for naught,

Become artists in Brooklyn,

Eat beans and smoke pot!

The Plumber goes out.


Prof: Hi, thanks for coming out.

Plumber: No problem, we’ll have it working in no time.

Prof: If you want something to drink, there should be stuff in the fridge — have at.

Plumber: Thanks, water would be great actually.

The professor gets him some water.

Prof: Okay, I’ll be upstairs working, just shout if you need anything else.

Plumber: Great, thanks.