“I WANT TO WATCH SOME PORN!” declared Kathryn Olivarius, Women’s Center board member and porn virgin.

“Google it,” I said.

“Google what?” she replied.

“Porn,” I told her.

Kathryn giddily selected “18 year old French-Canadian slut.” “This is ridiculous,” she laughed. Thirty seconds later she stopped the clip. “I’m not old enough for this,” she whimpered.

Kathryn Olivarius had witnessed her first creampie.

It’s pretty well acknowledged that porn degrades women and creates unhealthy sexual expectations. But there’s one particular aspect of mainstream porn that baffles me: teens.

So many, many teens.

Of course, everyone loves teens. They’re awkward, travel in packs, loiter in public, write bad poetry and desperately seek affirmation from fellow teens. They’re also gawky and full of teen rage (see: Sonic Youth’s “Teenage Riot,” “Clarissa Explains It All” and Mozart’s symphony 26). Everybody loves teens, but most would prefer to forget their own angsty teen past.

When my siblings and I condensed our family’s photo stockpile into a greatest-hits album for my mom’s birthday last year, we carefully suppressed all teeny vestiges. No photos of embroidered flares or pop-punk band T-shirts. No shots of us standing to the side in a family picture with a look of disaffection/self-loathing. There is now a gap in the photographic record of my life from the age of 12 until spring semester freshman year of college.

But the world of porn has a different conception of what it means to be a teen. In porn, Teens aren’t bundles of adolescent anxiety. Teens aren’t greasy and rebellious. Teens, according to porn, are attractive, sexually.

Some popular clips are titled: “Just turned 18,” “Slut loses virginity on 18th birthday,” “Hot teen,” “Shy teen,” “Lustful teen”, “Ouch young teen,” “Nasty teen” and “Out of control teens!!!” Some porn sites have whole “teen” and “top teen” sections. But these teens aren’t just sexy teens. They’re aren’t like teens at all really. They’re like small children.

“This is better than a lollipop!” squealed one girl as her buff, bald porn-mate pulled down his pants. She then engaged in various unspeakable acts wearing nothing but white knee socks.

The disclaimer on My18teens.com, against a background of pink bows and hearts, reads: “all models … are 18 years of age or older and are intended to be portrayed as such.” But no self-respecting teen wears pigtails. Self-respecting teens don’t usually like admitting they’re teens at all.

The teen porn star is both virgin and slut. She wears a tartan-pleated mini that barely skims her ass-thigh crevice with 7-inch Mary Janes. She is forbidden yet legal (barely) and so teen porn is the perfect guiltless guilty pleasure. Like doing smoking psych studies or what I call smoking for mankind.

I would also like to clarify that Kathryn Olivarius is, in fact, legal (barely). Kathryn Olivarius described her first creampie-watching experience as “intense” and “traumatic” and went for a two-hour walk afterwards.

Kathryn Olivarius is currently chewing on a “how to give yourself a testicular self-exam” door hanger and seductively asking: “Wanna creampie me, Claire Gordon??” over and over again. She’s drunk. And not legal (barely).

It’s possible that I’m exaggerating the teen porn epidemic. Admittedly, I’m a little emotionally fragile right now. My mother just poked me on Facebook. I now have to endure 70-degree weather with a large, Velcro black boot strapped onto my healing ankle and I’m running out of Vicodin. This past weekend I also went on a date with a guy who assured me, “Of course I’m a feminist, it’s just hard to reconcile that with loving to objectify women,” and earlier that day I listened to Bette Midler and Master Mary Miller discuss tree varieties at length, all of which was a little disconcerting.

Yet everywhere I look I see eroticized teens. Miley Cyrus. Who are you? Why are you?

In my online investigation into the cult of Miley Cyrus I stumbled upon “MileyWorld” where you can connect with teens and much older teen-lovers through the “Mega-Miley network” and join the “Ultimate Miley Party.” The “Ultimate Miley Party,” if it were real, would probably be a very scary party indeed.

Miley Cyrus, I found out, doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, which, like Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson before her, makes her that much more hawt. The ultimate challenge! This is the Disney Paradox: Girls are craftily packaged to attract two very distinct trans-generational demographics.

Seriously, teens have enough problems already. Puberty, mainly. And recovering from puberty. They don’t need this mixed-message infantilized sexualized crap. So I’m starting a new movement called “Save the Teens.” I’ll be selling T-shirts outside Commons everyday next week.

Claire Gordon is blonde now.