On the blog “Stuff White People Like,” the top 100 posts include expensive sandwiches, standing still at concerts and threatening to move to Canada. But higher than these, higher than bottled water, Michel Gondry and knowing what’s best for poor people, is, at number 11: Asian Girls.
Stuff White People Like tells me that 95% of white males have at one point in their lives experienced “yellow fever.” Stuff White People Like tells me that white men like Asian women because they retain “teen looks” into their forties and produce “hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing.”
“That’s fucked up,” I said, while reading. “What is?” asked my friend. “Yellow fever,” I replied. “I know, man. I know,” she agreed, nodding her head empathetically. “Yellow fever’s really fucked up. You bleed from your eyes. From your eyes.”
A while ago my suitemate introduced me to loveofasianwomen.com. “Do you surf for erotic anime as a substitute for a real sexual experience?” the website asks. Well, it tells me, there is hope, in the form of a 75-page guide for bedding Asian women. It promises to teach you “the secrets of coming on to her without appearing like a player or a racist!” as well as answering the age-old question: “Are they all gold diggers who are after money or immigration status?”
In the testimonials section of the site, I read the touching story of Don, the 39-year-old landscaper. Ever since he purchased his copy of “How to Date an Asian Woman,” he has received many enthusiastic e-mail replies from attractive Asian females. Go Don! You will “never get a blank, frosty or contemptuous look from an Asian woman again!” pledges loveofasianwomen.com. And all of this for only $29.99.
If you scroll down to the glamour shot of the Asian girl with her legs bent like a pretzel in the Grecian portico, you will find a list of “Erotic Asian Types.” According to the Web site, all Asian women can be divided into ten convenient categories, including: “The Book Worm,” “The Geisha Girl,” “The Warrior,” “The Super Happy Sex Kitty” and “The Little Orphan Girl.”
I knew sex kitties and geishas were hot. Duh. And of course schoolgirls, virgins, teens in general and Bratz dolls are super hot. Lolita Complex, I dig. But when were children with prematurely deceased parents sexy? The only orphan child I knew of was the Little Match Girl. I Wikipedia-ed it in search of some overlooked fetish potential in Hans Christian Andersen’s classic tale. Plot summary: petite, homeless, orphan child warms herself with matches on the street. She looks at a star. The next day passers-by find her dead body in a nook.
She died, guys.
It’s not just Asian women and orphans who are sexualized. Every girl can claim her very own sexual classification! You can be a sexy secretary, dominating career woman (the “Condoleezza”) or horny housewife, naughty schoolgirl or hot teacher, fuckable mom or virgin daughter. The rich and wide array of types can be seen in the creative wall collages in many fourteen-year-old boys’ bedrooms, as well as at Broadway Liquor.
Girls at Yale are primarily divided into two Erotic types: the girlfriend girl and the hook-up girl. When a Yale man scans a party for prospects, this polarity often comes unconsciously into play.
Chase Ollivarius McAllister has been relegated to girlfriend girl since the beginning of freshman year. “No one thinks of Chase Ollivarius McAllister as ‘up for it,’” Chase lamented. “But Chase Ollivarius McAllister is UP FOR IT. I mean, except for intercourse. For feminist reasons.”
Alice Buttrick suffers the plight of a hook-up girl: “Art majors are always ‘up for it.’ I don’t know what gives people that idea. Maybe it’s all of the yoga I’m doing? Or the fact that I run a pro-choice organization?”
Making the leap from girlfriend to ‘up for it’, or vice versa, is a Friday nightly struggle for many girls. Why? Well, there’s that saying, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I find this metaphor problematic. I think it’s because whenever women are compared to dairy cows I have the following chain of associations in my mind: Woman equals cow. Cow produces milk. Milk equals sex stuff. Woman produces sex stuff. Woman produces milk. Babies drink milk.
It also assumes that it’s no sacrifice for the cow not to give milk. What if the cow likes to give milk? What if she really enjoys it? What if she finds withholding milk a massive bum-out? And hey, what if the guy likes the cow for reasons other than the milk? Like leather or companionship.
Ideally, women would not be compared to farm animals. Ideally, there would not be books dedicated to courting a particular ethnicity. But sadly, these are phenomena far older and greater than us. We can, however, try not to see girls as “girlfriend girls” and “hook-up girls,” but as human girls. Human girls who won’t necessarily say yes or absolutely say no, if you ask them, with the utmost respect, deference and dignity: got milk?
Claire Gordon builds strong bones.