This week scene got a little down and dirty with one of America’s (and by extension, Yale’s) oldest’s vices. Smoking’s really a slutty little bastard, and dude, it’s got history.
But, like all good vices, smoking’s kept updating itself to keep up with changing times. It’s fought off Surgeon General’s warnings with charismatic cartoon mascots; placed itself in the tiny, yellow-stained hands of celebutantes who’ve sworn off the harder stuff; and managed to persist even in Bloomberg’s New York.
Back on campus, tobacco has taken the long journey from seminar fixture to the absolutely non-aesthetic beige nouveau ashtrays outside WLH. So now that smoking’s been sidelined — and rightfully so, that tramp — scene decided to look for the new vices all Yalies know by heart, even if they won’t make eye-contact with them across the dining hall.
The Seven Deadly Sins, Bulldoggy-style:
1. Punch-ony — If you stay away from the Organic Granola, you’ll probably succeed in keeping the Freshman 15 at bay. Until you hit that first frat party, that is. From freshmen doing double shots of Popov to members of certain senior societies blacking out on York Street, if there’s one thing Yalies can do, it’s drink alcohol. And we usually get away with it! Just watch out for those cops on Segways — they don’t tip as easily as they should…
2. It’s not Pride, it’s just honesty. Do you stuff your Facebook profile with all of your accomplishments — since freshman year of high school? It might be time to reexamine why you don’t have any friends.
3. Greedy for … Grants — “What? You only got $500 from Sudler to print your vacation photos and put them up outside the dining hall? I got $1,000 for my series of conceptual chocolate pudding sculptures.” Everyone at Yale seems to want money — I guess that’s why all those I-banking firms keep sending us e-mails. Open letter to all recruiters: scene editors at the YDN probably don’t want to work for you.
4. Blue with Envy — Yeah, we know everyone at Yale’s doing amazing things, and by all rights we should all be sitting alone flagellating ourselves for not bathing orphans in Africa every summer.
5. Buddy Lust — You don’t want a RELATIONSHIP but everyone’s got needs, right? You’re a smart Ivy-league student, so you’ve figured out a solution. You just happen to run into a certain “insignificant other” every Saturday night. Hook-up buddies are convenient, fairly easy to manage and don’t request Valentine’s presents.
6. Room Draw Wrath — It’s incredible how many friendships have been indelibly stained by this annual tradition. Put the claws away, ladies. It’s just a room.
7. You’re so Vain, I bet you think this paragraph’s about you — You surf facebook de-tagging any photos that might show a little bit of tummy fat. Tip: Deliberately sleeping with Rumpus staffers might get you in 50 Most, but it’s not so good for your hygiene.
And so we leave you, as shopping period draws to a close, to go surf facebook, sip Jungle Juice and wait for that phone call.