I’m waiting for my fresh mozzarella sandwich and mint lemonade to arrive at Cafe Esperanto in New York. It’s April and the temperature is perfect, the sun is out, and because of this, everybody’s in sunglasses.

Unsurprisingly, people notice me as they pass, and it’s because I’m sitting outside and wearing the following: metallic gold Converse, size 9, grey Cheap Monday jeans, 29w 32, goggles and an extra large Henry Holland t-shirt. Enter my food.

In the middle of my eating, this girl sits down next to me, and I notice and admire her outfit. It’s a white v-neck, accompanied by short, brown suspenders, great brown stilettos and the first pair of high-waisted shorts I’d seen, busted out on the first warm day of the year. I think she knows I’m staring at her because she gets out her cell phone and says the following to the person on the other end:

“I can’t believe the things I do for fashion. These fucking shorts are riding up my vag’ … I have to dig ‘em out every once and a while.”

She actually digs. And I actually stop eating to minimize the amount of food that comes out of my mouth from laughter.

After this I commend her for busting out the high waist way before anybody else. She rocks it. And I decide that the digging in the vag’ is part of the outfit. Seeing her sport the high-waisted look, months before it hit the masses, I thought to myself: How do you wear the high-waisted pant?

Remember when ’80s fashion was hot? Big hair. Leggings. Off-the-shoulder shirts. Try as you might, it’s hard to come up with a moment when ’80s fashion wasn’t popping; the ’80s are arguably the most quoted fashion decade ever in the history of the world. Any night at MisShapes in TriBeCa — which is soo over — would reveal that the ’80s are alive and kicking.

Well guess what, folks? The ’90s are the new ’80s. I’ve always thought of the ’90s as the worst fashion decade ever, and whether you like it or not, the ’90s are back.

’90s fashion means the prevalence of highlighter-colored sunglasses, shoes and t-shirts, crazy stupid prints and, yes, the high-waist pant. The high-waist is a pant whose waistline is ginormously higher than the belly button, and the effects of this silhouette can either be really flattering or they can make you look like a denim potato.

So let me come right out and say it: I really like the high waist, but I like it according to the following carefully elaborated and rigorously tested three rules. I hope to see some high waists around New Haven, but do remember that it is a merciless look with zero middle ground: You either fuck it up or you don’t.

Without further ado, high-waist pant rule No. 1:

Guys: Do NOT wear this pant. Ever. Don’t do it. Warning: This pant comes with the revelation of an obscene amount of penis-age. But if you like the idea that other people will be able to see your boy, and you want to wear the high waist, make sure you got some junk in that front. Nobody likes to see a teeny weenie.

I once made the mistake of trying on a pair of Cheap Monday jeans that I didn’t know were high waisted. I pulled on the pants and noticed that I now have a third nipple, and it’s because I’m seeing the top button of the jean that sits between my first nipple and my second nipple. And it’s at this moment when I make the Miranda Priestly pucker: “catastrophe.” Words could never describe what happened to my body inside those pants.

High-waist pant rule No. 2:

If you wear a high waist, put on a dressy shoe — heels, boots — because sneakers will only cheapen the look. High waists shouldn’t be dingy.

High-waist pant rule No. 3:

Be sure to pick the right type of fabric. Avoid all combination wide-legged, high-waisted denim. Settle for, um, ONE fit. It’s either a high waist, or a wide leg. It’s not both. I mean, unless you do want to give the world the impression that you have a marshmallow slash potato torso.

If you’re hell bent on denim fabric, try a skinny, darker fit. It will draw less attention to the fact that you’re wearing high-waisted pants and more to your beautiful figure. Folks will say that skinny jeans or high-waist pants are only for tall, size zero broads. But this is what they say about all new fashion trends. It’s true that if you’re taller, the high waist will better outline your figure, and that if you’re shorter it will draw attention to that, too. But I say if you dare it, flaunt it. Don’t be afraid to work the high waist — according, of course, to my three rules.

But by far the best type of high waist is a high-waist skirt, or a pair of slacks in black, white, hot pink — whatever color you like. This is the kind of fabric that will move with your body, and won’t seem as stiff as a pair of stone washed high-waist jeans and a matching jacket — the worst outfit to emerge in history, right next to the puffy shirt.

I’m stalking celeb’ photos, and I observe that Mischa Barton was sporting the high waist as early as last April. In the photo she’s cool, and she’s shopping and she’s hot. Except that I want to die, because Mischa looks like a marshmallow capped by long blond hair.

Maybe I’m out of date with my celebs, but I don’t even remember what Mischa Barton is famous for. But I’ll tell you what, from now on she’ll be that gal in the fugly high-waist pant!! Google: “Mischa Barton high waist.”

Madison Moore secretly wants to print a 11×17 copy of the now infamous Mischa photo and throw darts at it while giggling maniacally.