It’s Freshman Move-in Day! The class of 2011 is upon us. For some, the hordes of double-one-ers signal the opportunity for fresh meat: There are around 600 nubile freshman girls who know nothing about their reputations. For others, it’s also an opportunity for fresh meat: There’s nothing like getting hundreds of over-achieving, overexcited freshman to sign up for group X. They’ll definitely do all the real work, mistakenly believing that they might actually get into a leadership position someday.
But for those of us here at the scene desk, FMD is the time when we all remember how desperately uncool Yalies can be. You all came here as a valedictorian; SAT whiz; bizarrely brilliant science genius; the next Meryl Streep; tormented writer; insert your own unique story here. But one thing is for sure. You were definitely not “cool.”
Fortunately, here among the rest of the uncool, it is actually possible to attain a certain level of “hip.” When you isolate a group of over-achieving, awkward pseudo-adults, some of them are bound to be at least a little bit more socially savvy than the rest. For those freshpeople looking to leave high school’s social isolation behind (or desperate upperclassmen trying to do the same), scene presents The Guide to Being Cool at Yale:
1. Be attractive. If your genes left you with something to be desired in the looks department, you might be able to compensate by being funny or charismatic. Good luck.
2. Always act like you’re busy. Not because you’re actually doing anything, but because you could be doing something infinitely cooler than whatever/whoever you’re doing at the moment.
3. Go to class only when absolutely necessary. Unless it’s a seminar with really-important-professor-of-the-month.
4. If you’re male, be ambiguously gay. If you’re female, have a circle of close ambiguously gay friends.
5. Become cool by association: Live off campus and throw parties with a wide variety of free beverages, which attract cool people. Or, you know, just thirsty ones.
But, of course, if you’re actually cool you’ll never let on that you used this guide. Cool people don’t need any help. Especially when moving their mini-fridge on FMD.