Valentine’s Day, the annual holiday which marks the one-month-and-21-days anniversary of the eve of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is right around the corner. In fact, you’ve probably already given a couple blowjobs to secure your pretty mouth a free dinner at Bespoke (if you were good) or Union League (if you swallowed). What you may have forgotten, however, is that February also the special month when we, as a nation, take a moment acknowledge our country’s vibrantly “colored” history and celebrate the diversity of America. Yes. That’s right — February also marks National Sex Offender History Month.
During this month, we recognize the millions of sex offenders for their indiscriminate contributions to the wellbeing of our nation’s men, women, children and Pikachus/Jigglypuffs. From the downtrodden paths of Thailand’s red-light district to the harems of Brunei, sex offenders worldwide infuse our lives with a rich oyster bed of lowbrow magazine headlines and episodes of “Law & Order: SVU.” Surpassing the limits of race, religion, nationality, socioeconomic background, sex, sexual orientation, racial orientation and even sociosexual religious nationality, they remind us that it doesn’t matter if you’re Christian or Muslim, white or black, Hispanic or not Hispanic: all sex offenders are created equal. Because of this, I would like to dedicate my column this week to honoring the lovers around the world.
Dear Neil Havens Rodreick II:
You are truly a pioneer of our time, and it is my great honor to recognize you publicly for your countless years of work. Since your brave entrance into the media spotlight, you have raised the bar and redefined the meaning of sex offender by reminding us all that sex offending is more than just kidnapping children at local gas stations to turn them into sex slaves, and it’s more than just trading candy for hand jobs from kindergartners. True sex offending is about testing your limits and pushing the envelope: It is about being 29 years old and pretending to be a 12-year-old, so that you can enroll in a local elementary school and molest other 12-year-olds, all the while fooling your adopted parents into sexually abusing you because they, too, thought you were 12 years old.
By doing for sex offending what Foucault did for semiotics, you have left an indelible mark in the annals of sex offenses throughout history. But I do want to say one last thing: I’m not 12 years old either.
As a website that gives each and every one of us the ability to find any and all sex offenders listed in the national registry within a selected area, you have become an irreplaceable tool for extortion. As if that wasn’t enough already, you also double as an online dating service, so that anyone (read: I) can find other sex offenders within the sex offending community. The question, however, remains: What do you get when a sex offender sex offends a sex offender? There’s only one way to find out.
(By the way, does anyone know if the domain name Familywatchdogfacebook.com is taken yet?)
Dear John Mark Karr:
Unlike the honorable Neil Havens Rodreick II, you disgust me. You should know that I never believed one word that came out of your mouth when you tried to take credit for the murder of JonBenet. The fact that you had the gall to deceive the entire sex offending community with your comical farce nauseates me to this day. Have you no morals? Have you no shame? Millions of children everyday are left unmolested and alive, and you thought it would be appropriate to waste valuable sex offending time taking credit for someone else’s work? At Yale, we would call that plagiarism, which, I’ll have you know, is grounds for expulsion from the University. Sex offenders aren’t called “sex pretenders” for a reason. And you, my friend, are one big, fat, phony, sex pretender nobody. You have abused the binding trust of this community. You have brought dishonor upon us. You have filled our hearts with unforgivable disgrace.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Joe Aphinyanaphongs only registers on the best Web sites.