It is now the year 2007, and you have probably already broken your New Year’s resolution. If you want to repent, you can go and watch all of those serious movies that will win serious awards and that will come up in serious conversations. Or, and I’m just throwing this out there, you can see the movies listed below, which will make you laugh until you snort and snort until you laugh, but probably won’t win you any points with that cute film TA.
“Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Movie”
The television show “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” has never really made sense. There’s a meatball and a beverage and some fries with a beard and somehow they’re friends with this guy who is mean and greasy and has an above ground pool and while the assorted foodstuffs are supposed to be solving crimes they never really do. Therefore, you should not be surprised to hear that the feature-length film is about the good old gang fighting a battle over an immortal piece of exercise equipment. Awesome.
“Fragments” is described as a French version of, say, “American Pie” except that it is nothing like “American Pie.” This is because while the young people in this film are having sex and doing drugs they are also having highly intellectual, often pretentious, contemplative debates about the bourgeoisie, the state of the world, and what it means to be, I don’t know, French.
The plot will probably be something like “Spider-Man” and “Spider-Man 2,” except somehow there’s an “alien life force” that lives in Spider-Man’s costume and creates an evil Tobey Maguire who is looking mighty fine as a super-villain/superhero.
So you may have read the 14th century version of this epic poem (or at least you laughed at someone in Directed Studies who did) but the movie version is going to be just a little different. First of all, it’s all hand-drawn paper puppets — stay with me — and Dermot Mulroney is the voice of Dante and James Cromwell is Virgil. Also, it takes place in a modern, urban world that looks a lot like the Grand Theft Auto world. It’s satirical, it’s puppets, it’s Dante.
“Music and Lyrics”
Sometimes we all need to be a little bit emotional, to make that whiny, sighing noise that people make when a baby is doing something cute. I’m not saying that this movie is going to make you a better person, and it may in fact make you feel a little bit stupid, but think about it: You have to do something on Valentine’s Day, and it might as well involve Hugh Grant with a mullet. In this romantic comedy, Grant plays a washed up pop star from the eighties who has to write a hit song for a reality television show called “Battle of the 80’s Has-Beens.” Drew Barrymore saves the day (I mean, I assume) and there’s love and kissing and Hugh Grant wears some ridiculously tight pants.
Grindhouse cinema is a genre also known as trash cinema. Grindhouse films are known for sacrificing art and technique simply to be sensational and, well, often pretty gross. “Grindhouse” is actually a double feature of two horror movies — “Death Proof” and “Planet Terror” — written by gorefest greats Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. Both are sure to be sleazy and bloody and pretty hilarious.
“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”
All I know is that when that Harry Potter song starts playing at the beginning of these movies, I want to cry with joy. Plus, as the young actors move further away from puberty, the ever-blossoming Hermione gets closer and closer to being legal. Score.
Jeremy Piven is a Vegas magician who is going to rat on the mob and so, of course, everyone is trying to kill him, including such unusual hit men as Ben Affleck and Alicia Keys. There is sure to be a lot of shooting, and sort of witty one-liners, and don’t worry, it’s no “Domino”: It looks like it may actually be well made.
“Nancy Drew: The Mystery in Hollywood Hills”
You may not want to take my advice on this one because, and I freely admit this, I snuck out of my house once at one o’clock in the morning to go see “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,” and I get the feeling that “Nancy Drew” is going to be a lot worse. Having come clean to you like that, I recommend that you find a young girl (preferably one related to you) and go see this terrible/wonderful movie.
“Jesus Can’t Skate”
A documentary that takes a good, long look at the world of competitive roller and inline figure skating. What can I say? It’s about time?