Listen, Harvard, we need to talk.
It’s not working between us, and something here just needs to change. It’s not you, it’s — well, no, actually it is you. 122 years was a pretty good run, but you’ve changed, Harvard, you’ve changed since we first met.
Not that you were ever “fun,” per se, but you weren’t always as tragically self-important as you’ve become. Remember back when you asked us whether you should all have gone to Yale? Of course you should have, and it’s time to stop lying to yourself about it. Your protestations of superiority were cute, for a bit, but also pretty pathetic. We’ve been telling you all month we weren’t planning to return your calls, let alone buy a $60 ticket to visit you in your puritanical Boston police state. Save your dignity, and take our hint.
When we heard that your pep rally scheduled for Thursday was rained out, we were almost moved to pity. First, your poor HoCos couldn’t throw parties on Thursdays because there weren’t enough police available — we’re sorry, but are you in college, or out on parole? And then, the pep rally, your plan B, failed too. Angels must have been moved to tears at the sight of your premature self-congratulations.
Make no mistake, Harvard: We will prevail tomorrow and sow salt in the ruins. In football, as in life, we will show that we are the better party, not to mention the better partiers.
We don’t mean to be doing this at such a rough time for you — your misogynist president forced out, your peers as ethical as Jayson Blair — but this situation has become untenable for us. If we’ve told you once, we’ve told you a million times: You can’t treat us with such disrespect and expect us to stick around. It’s not that we can’t afford your drinks (besides, honestly, we’re smart enough to sneak in a flask, or three), it’s that we have better things to do with our hard-earned money. As for your promise of free parties? Desperation is never attractive. Frankly, at this point, you need us way more than we need you. Denial is the first stage of grief, but move on already. You screwed up, and now you’ve got to deal with the consequences.
(Besides, we’ve sort of got something going on with that preppy friend of ours from Jersey. Admittedly, it’s not been going so well lately, but it’s an improvement.)
For all your posturing and condescension about slumming it in New Haven every two years, you said it was good for you here last time. Was that wrong? We’re comfortable with who we are, and we don’t need you to define ourselves. We’re not going to fake it this year — we’ll just stay here and revel in Pepe’s pizza, an administration that treats us like adults and a mascot that actually makes sense.
So please, Cantabs, get over yourselves. We’re just not that into you.