Last Saturday, as I danced wildly to the house music sounds at the Roxy in New York, some guy scolded me because I accidentally stepped on his foot. “Watch what you’re doing, bro!” he shouted angrily. Ordinarily, I show others at least a teensy bit of kindness. But this time, instead of apologizing to the sweat-covered monkey for stepping on his foot, I shouted back the following:
“YOU SHOULDN’T BE WEARING FLIP-FLOPS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!”
No matter how pretty you think they are, your feet are not accessories and need not be shown to the public.
Flip-flop wearing is a peculiar phenomenon. I understand that feet can easily overheat. And sometimes you just want to let the dogs out. But you know what? Your ass can get hot, too. But unless you’re in some kind of nudist colony, you rarely see people walking around, naked-assed, trying to cool off.
My fashionable best friend Aymar, queen of the fashionistos, agrees: “You know what? Sometimes my ass does get hot. And it’s true, I do keep it concealed as often as possible. Well, unless I’m having sex. Which is never.”
Though wearing flip-flops in public is unfashionable under all circumstances, let me introduce you to the two greatest fashion faux-my god’s of all time: a) wearing shorts, a sweatshirt and flip-flops all at once and b) wearing pants, a sweatshirt and flip-flops all at once. For every five people I see wearing flip-flops in public, especially now that it is getting cooler, a small piece of me dies. Just today I counted several different people on campus wearing flip-flops, which means that I am writing this column posthumously.
And we all know that there will be that group of people in December, January and February who’ll still be doing a and b. If you’re guilty of this, I have to tell you that you look fashion dyslexic. Dyslexic people can have trouble deciphering between “b’s” and “d’s.” For the fashion dyslexic, it’s like not quite knowing which season is which. They wear fur in the summer and daisy dukes in the winter.
“Oh my god, what is this guy talking about?!? Flip-flops are sooo comfy! And, like, some flip-flops are really high quality! Plus, they match with everything! You just put ‘em on and go!”
But even if you sympathize with the fashion dyslexic, you shouldn’t you wear flip-flops. Here’s why.
To start, they are unfashionable. Don’t let the Gap fool you. No matter how you flip it, there can be nothing fashionable about a flat piece of foam with a thong on top. They are not fashionable BECAUSE they are functional, and fashion is not supposed to be functional. You wear the flip-flops to the grocery store, the Laundromat and the bathroom if you live in the dorms. Think about it this way: Would you wear those $500 Jimmy Choo’s to the shower?
Secondly, though flip-flops can be comfortable, mostly because your feet can breathe, no thanks to the flip-flop itself, they are bad for your feet. They do not give your dogs any arch support, and your feet just slap the ground all day long. Try banging your hands on the concrete 8,000 times a day to get a sense of what your feet feel. Besides, if you just wanted your feet to breathe, why not just walk around barefoot?
Lastly, flip-flop wearing is unhealthy. What if an anvil falls out of the sky and onto your foot? What if you step in dog shit? They are meant for the beach and the home, but not for public. Wearing flip-flops 100 percent of the time is a matter of laziness.
“I have plenty of time to change my Facebook status every hour on the hour, but putting on shoes in the morning? No.”
I came to Yale from the University of Michigan, which, unsurprisingly enough, is not the most fashionable place on the planet. With Yale being closer to New York City, I thought that my days of Birkenstocks, flip-flops, flannel and bad fashion were over. While I admit that the fashion culture here is much more lively, this flip-flop thing has got to stop. Come on. It’s Yale. Go buy a pair of real shoes!
I, for one, am not the richest person in the world. I grew up poor and I’m still poor, but at least I know how to put myself together. A good pair of shoes can last at least a year — my favorite pair of brown pointy boots lasted two years before they bit the dust. Boots never go out of style, and can be surprisingly comfortable. Flip-flops, on the other hand, can have a short shelf life and are just bad for you. Especially if you’re still wearing them in the dead of winter!
Most people have heard of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which is responsible for attacking people with paint or blood for wearing animal fur. I motion to start a similar association, called FETA—Feet Exposed (are) TAcky. FETA. In my association, we randomly pour not blood, not paint, but SAND on the feet of people who wear flip-flops in public, as a reminder that we are not on the damn beach.
So forget your next Organic Chemistry exam. All you need to know to succeed in life is the following formula: sand/water + heat = flip-flops
Otherwise, if there ain’t a beach or a body of water within a stone’s throw, just say NO to that flop!
Madison Moore is a first-year grad student so don’t DARE wear those flops to GYPSCY.