There was a bit (read: a shit ton) of controversy in regards to the recent publication of the “Nail Daily Hoes” issue of the YDN, mainly concerning the legitimacy of the “facebook whores” list. Because of this large response (i.e. my flooded voicemail box), I’d like to explain the complex and time consuming methodology behind the list generation. If you were mad, don’t be mad at me – be mad at yourself and your facebook profile. A regression for facebook whore-ocity was run on Stata (remember Intro Econ?) as a function of your number of friends, accumulation of friends per day, number of flattering photographs per dozen tagged photos, as well as number of profile words. Additional tags were made to identify hipster language, as well as minimalist and excruciatingly uninformative profiles. Having normalized the distribution of regressions across a standard bell curve, the names representing the top percent of the distribution were then categorized by hair color and BMI. Ergo, quid pro quo, if you found yourself on that list, you were scientifically proven, with a standard error less than 0.1 percent, to be a “facebook whore.” So if you were unhappy with that list for any reason, don’t look at me — I just used the system ­— take it up with the Man. Yeah. The Man. Like Jesus.

Now that you’ve had the paragraph break to comprehend the truths of your virtual existence, let’s talk less about you and start talking more about me talking about you.

Dear National Organization to Gain Acceptance for Your Sins:

I’m writing to say thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes this past Wednesday with your coincidental efforts occurring on National Coming Out Day. I, too, had planned for weeks to come out. I had my big red door frame and swastika arm bracelet all ready to finally embrace myself as an openly proud anti-Semite, but you guys really forced me to reconsider my actions, especially with the contemporary metaphors —we’d have been blind sided by your good intentions had you not used celebrities like Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton and Orlando Bloom to drive your point home.

By such token of logic, I’ve whole -heartedly decided to quell my longings to free my inner anti-Semite, and just pretend like I don’t have plans to imbibe a nice, cold glass of blood from a Jewish child. I’ve also realized it is far better to be right in the eyes of the your noble organization, than to be – God forbid! – auf’d. It is because of you that I’ve had a chance to find freedom in the rules you have established for me, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I think I speak on behalf of all those that saw your signs, National Organization to Gain Acceptance for Your Sins (NOGAYS), that your subtle, honest and well-intentioned efforts are so very appreciated.

I’m just waiting for the day when someone has the balls to make some signs about those damn gays! Until then, tell my wife I’ll be late for dinner. Again.

Dear Facebook Group Invitations:

I’m ok with the universal groups and bastardized evites; in fact, I find it quite titillating to play hard to get by clicking the “maybe attending” button or denying a request for “The Largest Largest Facebook Group in the World” for the third time.

My one gripe, however, is the “‘Insert Name Here’ has invited you to join the group ‘Insert Arbitrary Cause Here.’” It has nothing to do with the fact that my e-mail is already flooded with invitations to elaborate soirees and propositions to make millions with the former Prime Minister of Zwabekistan; it has to do with the immediate excitement from the inserted name, and the thought that, perhaps, I was invited to join something exclusive by someone hot. Unfortunately, 100 percent of the time, the invitation is mass and I realize I am no more special than that girl with hairy arms in section, thus resulting in a – pardon my Arabic – blue balls of sorts to really get me off on the wrong foot.

So, Mark Zuckerberg, for the sake of rectifying this constant detriment to my genitalia, could you PLEASE change the invitation subject header? For example, you could preface the e-mails with “You have been invited to ____” without the name of the inviter, or change the subject entirely, to “Joe is the hottest person in the world, no jokes.” Regardless of which method you so choose, I’m running out of medication and the triggers for my manic lows run far more rampant since the year has started.

Joe Aphinyanaphongs adamantly denies his facebook whore-ocity. In spite of his hermit-like tendencies, he would love to attend your next mass party. He does request, however, that you refrain from sending the aforementioned invitation over the facebook; it’s already an outmoded form of communication. Scented stationery to his street address is definitely the classiest method.