I went into a panicked conniption last Friday. After happily picking up scene from Commons and discarding the YDN portion of the paper, my eyes scanned the pages and landed on an anorexic body form. The accompanying article was even more shocking; a fall fashion preview that wasn’t written by me. I grabbed all the remaining YDNs — scene columns double as great rolling papers. As soon as I arrived home, I logged onto Facebook to only confirm my worst fears; the fall fashion piece was actually written by a freshman. Yea you heard it right. A freshman.

A freshman, who I might add, didn’t need fat jokes or sibilant s’s to write objectively about fashion. He also used big people words like “louche” and “wanton.”

Before my tear ducts welled, I called my Mexican Botox lady and resolved to dedicate this week’s J-spots to you, Freshman Class of 2010. Now, let me warn you before the heads begin to roll. The following logorrhea is not for the faint of heart: if you find midway that you have bitten more than you can deep throat, don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Morituri te salutamus.

Dear Freshmen Girls: I really appreciate your public image upkeep at these early stages in your Yale social career, and that you took the time to dress up for Toad’s before 10:00 am class this morning. Though really time efficient, it is a bit early. I mean, Toad’s won’t be hopping until Wednesday, and, besides, why would you go to Toad’s?

Because you think it’s cool? That’s so cute! Silly freshman! Going to Toad’s doesn’t mean you’re cool; it just means you’ll get gang banged by the Yale hockey team and finally establish yourself as legitimately “Yale Pretty.”

“Huh?” you ask defensively. “What’s Yale Pretty?”

I’ll give you a hint.

It’s you.

And if you’re really Yale Pretty, then I would bet my five Jewish grandmothers that you still haven’t found the perfect necklace at Laila Rowe to match your Betsey Johnson mini-dress for the SAE Crush party. Congrats you lucky girl on getting an invitation — along with all of your suitemates! You must be the prettiest girls on campus — gee whiz! And I thought that each SAE pledge only got to invite ten girls!

Anyhow, I hope to see you at the gym tomorrow. One quick piece of advice: there is this really great L’Oreal makeup that doesn’t drip after a few minutes of working out, though I can’t tell which is worse: that you wore makeup to PWG or that you’ve convinced yourself that the elliptical is a legitimate workout.

Right. Uh huh. You really are burning off all those calories.

Dear Freshmen Boys: I don’t have that many problems with you, but I will take this time to share a bit of advice. To half of you, kids, I’d like to say that just because you have a girlfriend back at home doesn’t mean a cappella won’t turn you gay (oops! too late 🙂 call me back!). To the other half of my brahs, I know this really great place close by where you can get a cheap pair of optical wear. It’s College Wine, and they have all kinds of Yale goggles for many a night (call me!). Lastly, to all of you, while it’s apparent you aren’t hooking up as much as you tell your friends at home, don’t lose hope: you have your Freshman Screw coming up — and you’ll soon have a lot of rohypnol (call me!).

Joe Aphinyanaphongs can be found nightly hanging outside LDub.