Hi, class of 2010. You don’t know me, but I know all of you: I know some of you by name; I know some of you by Facebook alter egos; I know the rest of you are just ugly. On the off chance that I know your name and you are ugly, then I’ll be sure to smoke a little more just to eliminate the knowledge of your abominable existence from my brain.

On that note, welcome to Yale. Now that your parents have left and you’ve gotten a chance to get settled in, you’ve probably realized that you have all your classes and books, you have that faux foreign accent down pat, and you have your bank set up to receive Daddy’s weekly direct deposits, but you’re still missing something. It can’t be your orthotricyclin, since you just picked up a fresh batch this week. It can’t be your designer knockoff Marc Jacobs purse, since I see you carrying it right now. Oh, wait — you’re just missing any semblance of what I call “self-esteem.”

Lucky for you, I’ve decided to bury myself in this gaping wound you have called vulnerability in order to provide you with a comprehensive list, not of “Yale College Do’s and Don’ts,” but of “Yale College Wills and Won’ts,” the main point of difference being that this is a list designed to affirm, not to prevent, every fear that makes your precious, virginal soul tremble. And thus I commence.

You WILL put on at least 15 lbs, and that’s if you’re lucky.

You WON’T find that purging every hour helps.

You WILL forget every class you took and everything you ever learned your freshman year.

You WON’T forget the biological father of baby Suzy, who is now in a jar.

You WILL lose your favorite magenta North Face fleece at Toad’s in a drunken stupor.

You WON’T find it, until next Saturday when you see a Q-Pac girl coming off the bus wearing it commando-style as a one-piece.

You WILL finally get the attention of the hot guy at Sig Ep.

You WON’T ever get with him, since he’s using you for your hot friend.

You WILL lower your standards significantly (Yale goggles, anyone?).

More Yalies, however, WILL lower their standards for you.

You WILL sleep with a TA for a higher grade on your term paper.

You still WON’T manage to pull off a C+, which will force you to question your “performance” overall.

You WILL land the cute boy you met at Woosley for the a cappella jam.

You WON’T be able to erase the image of him going down on another guy in the BD house bathroom the next week.

You WILL have around half a thousand friends on facebook.com by the end of this year.

You WON’T remember half of their names come sophomore year.

You WON’T get an A on your D.S. exam.

You WILL get an A, B and C on your VD exam.

You WILL feel bad for the Flower Lady.

You WON’T feel bad after you realize her cell phone is nicer than yours.

Joe Aphinyanaphongs is a sage senior who wasn’t jaded until he lost his favorite magenta North Face fleece. It all went downhill from there.