So you say you saw “The Devil Wears Prada” this summer, but from the fit of your Old Navy jeans and that embolism on your hip known as a love handle, I never would have known. Now that I’ve had a chance to cut you down to size (wouldn’t you like me to cut you down to a 00?), I’d like to say welcome back to Yale.

As we all know or pretend to know, fashion week looms over our despondent and jaded souls to perhaps fuel the proverbial fire of consumerism within our hearts. The following trend reports, however, are for the upcoming two seasons, Fall ’06 and Winter ’07. Thus, you will be left with minimal time for your father’s hedge fund to accrue in value before you spree.

Overall, it is said that the upcoming seasons mark the end of the “Giselle Era,” though I hope such news won’t disrupt your daily Trim S.P.A. regimen. For all of you hobbits and trolls who don’t know who or what that means, “Giselle” refers to none other than Giselle Bundchen, the Beauteous Paradigm of the Feminine Form, Cherubim of the Elusive Secret of Victoria and Great Bringer of All Eating Disorders. She’s been debunked by “she-men” or “heshes” with the overriding trend towards female androgyny. While such an end may limit spank bank materials for a guy looking through his girlfriend’s “YM,” it does not give any self-respecting individual the right to take another bite of that pizza that’s been hiding under the mattress cover. It does mean, however, that women can lay off on the unnaturally bright colored makeups and streaky highlighted hair. This masculinization of the female means the natural look, full of nudes and subtle shades, will be prevalent as the fashion world’s ideal of beauty evolves. We can only pray that it does not reach a level of ambiguity to challenge the Sarah Lawrence rugby team. As far as accessories, important must haves include luxurious capes and boleros, baggy boots and the all-too-ridiculous clutches riddled with elephantiasis.

In the same light, the parallel trend for men is to become manlier. Say goodbye to the metrosexual, as the Y chromosome becomes the new X. The manly must have for these two seasons is a classic trenchcoat.

To cut to the chase, here are some fashion highlights for the upcoming seasons so you too can sound as pretentious as I feel writing this scene fodder.

Furrr … it’s cold in here!

Wild animal prints and patterns aren’t just accessories for panthers and leopards anymore. Remorse? Conscience? PETA? Don’t let these obstacles get in the way between you and a fur-covered motorcycle helmet or foal-skin boots. Why should cute and furry mammals — sometimes unborn — have all the fun?

Rocker, Goth, and Vamp, Oh My!

Fingers laced in black nail polish, eyes shadowed by dark makeup to veil indications of the previous nights’ hilarities and coke emaciation to rival even the best Kate Moss’s and Lindsay Lohan’s. Rocker: Anti-establishment. Goth: Apocalyptic and deadly. Vamp: Romantic and violent. Think glamorous, tight-fitting rocker t’s, Chrome Hearts skull charms and dark inner lip dyes (for a pursed, venom-filled mouth).

Let them eat low carb cake!

With the rise of mass market brands, like H&M, the venerated couture fashion houses have excavated inimitable vintage pieces from their archives. Taking cues from movies like “Marie Antoinette,” “Amadeus,” and “Dangerous Liaisons,” think highly-refined exuberance with luxurious fabrics, detailed thread work and full-bodied decadence.

Pump, pump, pump it up!

Volumize your outfit by juxtaposing untraditionally exaggerated shapes (like the contours of a bubble skirt or even baggy boots). Be mindful not to go overkill, Violet Beauregarde, but the sleek and simple feminine line has just gotten a prescription of steroids, thus leaving you with a legitimate reason to wear the egg-shaped baby doll dress in order to hide your unborn child.

Uniform uniforms

Savvy, well-tailored suits work for a sophisticated, tastefully androgynous look. We’re not talking G.I. Jane army apparel. Think more on the lines of regal naval dress and Alpine infantry. Greys are popping up all over, so stock up on your neutral tones and ever-slimming blacks.

Wanna get p-laid?

The anglomaniacal undercurrent is the impetus behind the rise of Scottish plaids and various manifestations of the Union Jack. Go bourgeois chic by mimicking the British aristocracy, complete with monocle, teacup of Earl grey and fox hound with writhing rabbit in-mouth.