You might be surprised that I wasn’t tapped by Skull and Bones (…or was I?) or that I even have time to write since I’m actually at Viva’s right now for the pre-tap party, but I figured I’d play a little game where I pretend like not a single society expressed any interest in me personally and that I’m not actually sitting in my room right now wearing nothing but Old Navy boxers while feeding the small Gnome I captured while tripping on shrooms last week.
Alas. Rejection is normal for me: it isn’t easy being perfect and all. I had trouble joining a capella and improv comedy groups largely due to the fact that my experience far surpassed the mere mortal capabilities of my fellow peers, and I was thus denied such opportunities for being, you know, too awesome. Instead of becoming a victim to this curse of utter perfection, I’ve decided to form my own secret society to keep me, my ego, and my fondness for exclusivity company during my last year of my matriculation at Yale.
I have coined my secret society *cue drumroll* “The Order of the J-Spot.” Members will meet once a week in whichever room I find myself passed out the day of congregation. In the spirit of getting to one another, weekly bios will be presented. These bios, however, will not consist of detailed accounts of your life, but will give me a chance to let you get to know me better. Each week, I will assign an topic about my life for members of The Order to study and present to me the following week. For instance, if you are deemed so worthy, you may be asked to prepare a PowerPoint presentation on my shoe collection during my collegiate career or to create an expressive account of my life between the ages of 6 and 9 using interpretive song and dance.
These bios will be followed by offering ceremonies of sorts, during which time members will be allowed to bestow me with gifts to articulate their appreciation of me letting them get to know me through the bio presentations. Some gift ideas include, but are certainly not limited to, various multicolored iPod minis, Season 2 DVDs of Laguna Beach, mail-order brides, and homemade crystal meth.
The key foundation, however, upon which any society is built is that fact that you probably aren’t good enough to be in it. Such a society as The Order is no different. Therefore, I have generated a questionnaire to make this decision for me. Find a cold, dark, quiet room and a number 2 pencil, and answer the following questions thoughtfully and honestly in order to determine your eligibility for The Order of the J-Spot. Follow the directions carefully and tally points as you go along.
*Does your last name begin with any of the following (circle all that apply):
Vanderbil (+2), Carnegi (+2), Rockefelle (+2), Bundche (+4), Hilto (-1), Irene Mari (+10)
*Do you have a trust fund?
Yes: divide gross sum of trust fund in chained 2006 dollars and divide by 100,000. Add this value to your cumulative score.
No: – 4
*Are you related by blood to any of the following (circle all that apply): Oprah (+3), Condoleezza Rice (+1), Elizabeth Resor (+2), Madonna (+ 100), Ali G (+2),Tyra (+2).
*Of the following brands, most of my wardrobe comes from: Prada (+1), Dolce and Gabbanna (+1), Armani Exchange (-2), American Apparel (+4), Old Navy (-10).
*Have you been in Yale’s Most Beautiful People?
Yes: + 3 (multiply by 2 if you are foreign as well)
No: + 0
*Are explicit photos and/or video of you readily available on the internet?
Yes: + 1 point for every item of media
No: + 0
*Have you been on reality television?
Yes: + 2 (If you appeared on Flavor of Love, +4)
No: + 0
*When you Google your name, how many hits do you receive?
*Of the following substances, I have direct connections to: ganjaa (+0.5), yay (+2), mushies (+1), molly (+5), beans (+1), roofies (+20).
*For every prescription drug you are prescribed: +0.5.
*Are you able to fit your fist in your mouth?
Yes: + 0.5
*Are you an Architecture Major?
*Are you in a cappella?
*Are you Republican?
*Do you have future plans to be any of the following: plastic surgeon (+3), Fed Chairman (+1), CEO of LVMH (+3), crack whore (+5), Barack Obama (+5), architect (-25).
*True or False: Once you go black, you never go back.
*True or False: If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll ask for a glass of milk.
*True or False: What is the color of time?
True: + 1
*What is your waistline?
Add up you score and evaluate using the following key:
Less than 0: Neatly fold this newspaper and place it back on the table. Find nearest window and jump out of it.
0 — 10: You’re about as useful to me as a dead cat.
11 — 25: You’re definitely on the fence. If, however, you are able to put your ankles behind your neck, I’m certain we can work something out.
26 — 30: Joe Aphinyanaphongs has requested to add you as a friend. Before we can do that, you must confirm that you are in fact friends with Joe.
31 — 50: “OK, you should just know that we don’t do this a lot, so this is, like, a really huge deal. We wanna invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.”
>50: Who do you think you’re kidding??
Joe Aphinyanaphongs spent last night masturbating in a coffin that belonged to George W. Bush ’68. He’s looking forward to skullf*cking Geronimo’s skull next semester.