Move over, “Laguna Beach.” There’s a new pseudo-reality show in town that you can’t afford to miss: YTV’s student-produced “Ivy U.”

I hope you didn’t think I was serious. Zing!

Take two: Move over, “Laguna Beach.” There’s a new pseudo-reality show in town that you can’t afford to miss: MTV’s “8th and Ocean” — and it is certain to satiate that penchant for yay and vodka your television habits have been craving since the completion of “LB II.” This stunning visual masterpiece, known in elite circles as 8th “&” Ocean, combines the high definition film style of “Laguna,” the insecurities and eating disorders of “America’s Next Top Model” and the plastic surgery of “Dr. 90210.” Translation? Heaven. If MTV were any better at finding that special spot under my labial hood, I might have to add it as a friend on and file for child support.

Set in Miami (in case you’re too ugly to deduce that from the title), the show chronicles the lives of 10 models, six of whom are females and four males, and their epic journey into the cutthroat modeling industry. Irene Marie, proud owner of both the agency and multiple reconstructive surgeries (think orange Birkin meets Mr. Ed, replete with the Mr. Potato Head red lips excavated from The Great Fire of 1666), hires the models and furnishes them with a shoddy apartment. The catch? The models have to pay for their place by booking jobs — and no, I don’t think going down on the photographer counts for anything. The show’s motto goes, “No job. No apartment — it’s as easy as that.”

Easy, of course, being the understatement. If there’s one thing to be learned from Tyra, it’s that modeling is no walk in the park. I’m assuming you missed the March 7 commercial-free debut, perhaps because you were too busy squeezing into in that designer knock-off size 8 bikini for spring break or you just can’t afford cable. Lucky for you, I’ve seen each rerun at least two (read: 20) times thanks to my TiVo (read: Grandmother’s tape recorder), so I can provide you with this comprehensive (read: borderline stalker) introduction to a few castmates (read: my wank bank).

Meet Sabrina and Kelly. Sabrina and Kelly are identical twins and both work for Irene’s agency. Thanks to three or four pimples on Sabrina’s face, though, she is considered “the other sister,” which leaves her with a plethora of esteem issues and leaves me with a nice open wound in which I can nest and feed. As Sabrina concludes that only a boob job can make things right, I realize that there really is a God. Fortunately for Sabrina, her caring sister, Kelly, is certain to gloat whenever she gets the job they both auditioned for and is kind enough to pass on the leftover jobs she doesn’t want. Smells like a little sibling rivalry to me. Or maybe silicone. Regardless, it’s time those two sisters let bygones be bygones and started loving one another — no, not in the non-incestuous way.

Now, meet Brit. She’s the new girl who has just moved into the models’ apartment. Straight from Kansas City, this wholesome girl is an industry neophyte and turns to weekly group sessions of “Model’s for Christ” (sic) to keep her head on straight. (An important note: Upon repeated, thorough viewings in slow-mo and extensive use of Google Maps, MTV edited far too well to leave any obvious identifiers that would uncover the location of the meeting place. Unfortunately for me, I’ve already paid to the flooring of my anonymous white van treated and cleaned!) But don’t jump to any conclusions about this goody-two-shoes’ airtime value to the rest of us. Watch carefully, and I guarantee you’ll find something to enjoy as Brit gets to know all the other cast members (biblically, of course).

Finally, meet Vinci. Considered the agency’s “golden child,” this delectable Puerto Rican hunk is like any other: His accent, when innocently coupled with his divine good looks and designer sunglasses spawns the perfect hybrid of foreign allure, unforeseen STD(s) and legal retardation that we’ve been jonesing for — I mean, why settle for Ollie Davies? Within the first few episodes, he gets busted for missing two bookings and reasons his way out of being fired by unleashing his devilish smile and explaining that it’s really hard for him to wake up early in the morning, especially when he goes to sleep at night knowing that he has to wake up early in the morning. Regardless of what team you play on, everything about Vinci is certain make you a little wet and your boyfriend a little gayer than he already was.

In addition to those aforementioned members, there are several other models including a Jessica Alba look-alike, Briana, and the token/racially unidentifiable cast members, Adrian, Tracie, Talesha and Sean, that will be sure to tickle whatever your fancy may be, though I can’t guarantee you’ll get breakfast in the morning. While I’ve provided you only with a glimpse into this magnum opus Dei, it’s pretty clear what it has to offer: beauty sans brains, skin both ragged and taut, sunny weather and sex. What more could one ask for? Perhaps a cast Bacchanal and/or another line of blow. MTV’s struck gold again. So don’t forget to catch “8th & Ocean,” Tuesday nights at 10:30 p.m. on MTV.

Then again, you can not watch it and be ugly. And fat. Your choice.