As a member of the International Olympic Committee, I am highly offended by the recent unfavorable depictions of the righteous Olympics. Such high crimes cannot go unpunished. Calling for justice, I submit this letter to the infidels in the West:
CNN, one of the most sacrilegious offenders, recently published a column which criticized the 2006 Winter Olympic Games, calling them “dull,” “unimportant,” and “must-flee TV.”
CNN will defend this as “art” and as “the exercise of free speech” and with other pretentious civil-minded ideals, but none of that matters. You cannot discuss the Olympics! (Only NBC has that right.) The Olympics are the only true demonstration of honorable and righteous athletic competition. Sure, you may criticize the Goodwill Games, the X-Games, or the Special Olympics, for they are dishonorable imitations of the Olympics. But you cannot dishonor the Holy Olympiad.
CNN, you have violated the Great Olympic Code. Even though members of the IOC are the only people who follow this code, we still must impose our code onto your system. For how else will you understand us, the IOC people? Only those who follow the Olympiad know the truth, for they are the only rightly-guided believers. You think the Olympics are unimportant? Once you feel the wrath of the Olympians, you will surely retract that belief.
The next order of business concerns Little Dane Anderson. In his first-grade art class, Dane made a crayon drawing of the Olympic torch, with Olympic rings above it. Well, his rings were all oblong and jagged, certainly not honoring the perfect roundness of the True Olympic Rings. His coloring was not in between the lines, as the coloring of any honorable Olympic depiction must be. Little Dane’s blasphemous behavior knows no bounds. All the Little Danes out there will experience justice firsthand. Anti-Olympic infidels, your uppance will come.
Thousands of people are defiling the sacred image of the Olympics. Some, like Jim Rome, are aware of it, while others, like Little Dane Anderson, are not. But all will pay.
How is one to believe the Olympics are a bastion of global harmony and love if cartoon blasphemers like Dane keep spreading lies and propaganda that frame the Olympics as a “boring” event that uses sloppy, oblong cartoon rings as its logo?
The great and glorious Olympics are righteous and infallible! With virtuous displays of curling, figure skating and ski-jumping, the Olympics represent all that is peaceful and harmonious in the world. The Olympics are about people coming together from all over the world because of their shared dreams! The Olympics are about perpetual peace, dammit! For someone to desecrate this image by criticizing the Games is unacceptable. Such persons deserve to die like a cow in a slaughterhouse!
The only way to show all the CNNs and Danes out there the true meaning of the Olympics is to make them suffer. The only way to defend the honor and peace of the peaceful and honorable Olympic Games is to behead those who oppose the Olympics.
Just as the Syrians are rising up in Damascus and the Iranians in Tehran, we must cause chaos until we find you “artists,” like Little Dane, and make you pay for your cartoon indiscretions. We must defend the pride of the peaceful Olympiad and its followers by making you pay in the price of BLOOD. In the name of peace, happiness, glory, and the honor of the Holy Olympiad we shall make you suffer and writhe in pain.
Some are asking for a debate on this issue. But no debate is needed — the righteousness of the Olympiad and its followers is self-evident; its white light of truth and faith burns for all to see. Those who attempt to blow out that light with heretical cartoons are purposely rejecting the true path.
Thus, debates are a mere form of appeasing the infidels. The only way to demonstrate the peaceful honor of the Olympiad is to riot, pillage, burn, and kill all opposers. Only then shall everyone see that the Olympiad is the righteous and peaceful way.
We of the Olympiad have open minds — as long as the ideas reflect the interests and beliefs of those who follow the glorious Olympiad. All ideas that present the Olympics in a negative light are inherently attacks on the Olympiad. There is no such thing as constructive criticism or mere observation; there is merely the true path of the Olympiad. All other ideas are paths to hell.
Peace be with all who follow the infallible, glorious, honorable, faithful, truthful, prophetic and peaceful Olympiad. To those blasphemers and Dane cartoonists who oppose it, shall the glorious and peaceful Olympiad rain violent and riotous hell down upon you.
Enough of this “discourse” and “debate.” Free speech is the opiate of the masses. The only way to advance ideas is by taking action! It is time to defend the pride and honor of the sacred and peaceful Olympiad! I shall grab my glorious AK-47, which is right next to my pious Molotov cocktails and faithful rocket launchers, and drive my infallible Volkswagen Bomb over to Little Dane Anderson’s house. Little Dane, may this be the last cartoon your rogue hand ever creates.
We of the Olympics are ever-loving and peaceful! The Olympics are great and glorious! Say it with me … or else.
Carl Williott can be seen in Turin, Italy, where he is currently competing in the skeleton, curling and ski jump events.