In preparation for “Sex Week at Yale,” I wanted to share my safe love tips for all the student bodies:
1) Be in a long distance relationship.
When you rarely see your significant other, sex becomes nothing but a pleasant memory, like Molly Ringwald’s career. This obvious downer does have the upshot of being phenomenally good for your health: no risk of STIs (“sexually transmitted infections” is the new PC term for the welts below the belt, kiddos — STDs are so 2004) when there is no “S” going on. And, surprisingly, phone sex rarely involves the exchange of fluids between two people, so you’re free to go at it like monkeys with free nights and weekends cell phone minutes!
2) Throw hysterical fits as often as possible.
This reminds me of a funny story: this one time (two days ago) I was at the airport and missed my flight. I had to pay an astronomical amount of money to get on the next plane, and started sobbing brutally at the Delta counter, causing a one-woman show of epic hysteria. (Seriously — I actually heard the security guard radio for “back-up” and say that he had “a situation” as he inched cautiously towards me, the crazy lady). Needless to say, my boyfriend was scared to meet his new girlfriend, psycho Susan, and certainly not ready to go beyond first base with her. Safe sex success.
3) Mention your ex. Constantly.
There’s nothing like your first love. Or your fifteenth. Why not share that history with your new flame? All that dirty laundry did ferment you as a person, after all. (You get extra safe sex points for any sentence that begins “My ex was really the best at …”) This conversation is guaranteed to lead to lots of … conversation. Period. Nothing like mentioning the ex to quash those physical urges. You’ll be free to emote without worrying about the sexual risks! As for the risk to your blossoming relationship well, this isn’t a column about that, sorry.
4) Pregnancy. Love it.
Whether you’re male or female, this is a great thing to mention when you want to practice the safest sex. One mention of the “P” word (especially in the vein of “I can’t wait to get/I got someone pregnant”) sends any slightly responsible straight man or woman 1) out the door or 2) straight for the condom envelopes in the freshman entryways. Though a little trickier, I think that this concept can work for same-sex couples too: simply tell that special person that you can’t wait for her or him to be the mother/father of your child with the help of a surrogate/sperm donor! Guaranteed to end the sack session pronto.
5) Write a scene column mentioning your lover. Preferably a graphic one about sex.
Nothing like that feeling of molten hatred from your friends and family after you mention them in print. Multiply that feeling times 10 when you mention your significant other. Not only does she feel slightly used and betrayed, but she also worries that an audience knows your private moments and therefore feels less inclined to give you something to write about. Safe sex accomplished yet again! (Don’t worry, Mike — no one knows you’re my boyfriend, baby!)
Susan Posluszny has ruined many a first date by crying uncontrollably over spilled drinks and repeatedly referencing her “huge” ex-boyfriend.