Common Room Floor Coitus
While dorm room sex has its flaws (unaccommodating twin mattresses, omnipresent Dorito crumbs) and benefits (on second thought, there are none), the experience of shacking up on Yale parquet flooring is the true paramount of bad college sex. It really becomes a spectacle of sorts — suitemate #1 walks by on the way to the bathroom while you slip into feigned sleep, suitemate #2 darts a withering glance at the craggy comforter tent while on a long-distance call, and the predictably awkward guy down the hall barges in asking for his Econ course packet, hovering in the doorway for an interminable period of time. Next time, book a weenie bin.
Deficient Dirty Dialogue
Everyone’s had that moment when a hook up has been so mind-numbingly enjoyable that you don’t know what to say, but when this moment leads you to talk dirty — and say something stupid — you’d better be prepared to finish yourself off. Nobody, not even your slutty scene editors, wants to hear you form an awkward string of nasty adjectives to describe what you’re feeling (or what you’d like to be feeling). There’s a time and place for speaking before you think; section … and DS (but then you’ll have to watch people masturbate, too).
Awkward Condom Moment
Toward the end of your 2 hour make out session, the only thing that stands between you and somewhat satisfying sex is grandma-without-her-wig awkwardness of “roll on the raincoat.” If you’re unable to find, open, and put on a condom without making your partner sigh (with frustration – not pleasure), you shouldn’t be having sex. Period.