Though half the people who read this column may not have noticed, V-Week (Vagina, Valentine’s Day, Violence-against-women, etc.) is coming to a close. And that’s a shame, because I love feminists. Their gung-ho enthusiasm and endearing optimism are like lollipops and pink unicorns to my inner child.
But as my feminist friend will ask me (before throwing me out of the fourth floor of L-Dub), aren’t I disempowering women and perpetuating male domination by persisting in my paternalistic condescension? To which I reply: Do middle-aged men drink beer while watching the Super Bowl? Does Lindsey Lohan look hot in a string bikini? Shouldn’t you go vacuum something?
In all seriousness though, feminism is one of the most important social causes of our generation. But as with so many other social movements, what feminism needs is a viable path to power. And that’s where my advice can help: As a man, I have access to and experience in many fields where male domination has yet to be shaken off. Feminists: learn the tricks of your enemy and use them for yourself.
First, video games: After hours of rough and sweaty combat, I finally managed to kill the damned pig-monster in the final level. The feminists’ fight is similar in many ways, and they can reap the benefits of my long and arduous quest to rid the world of evil. For one thing, they definitely need a magic sword. The bigger the better.
Not many people realize just how necessary a magic sword is in this world. Not only can it strike down the toughest monsters and skewer your foes, but a good magic sword will also command respect and endear you to your followers. Brandish it in a bar-room brawl and everyone will give you a wide berth. Draw your massive weapon from its sheath and wow the crowd.
Next, the streets: But disregarding the magic sword for a moment (I know it’s hard), let’s talk about feminism specifically. Feminists have a history, a cause and the Vagina Monologues, so it may seem that they’re pretty well set as far as the basics go. But they lack publicity. And what’s most important, they lack money.
That’s where some lessons from the ‘hood can help. For example, pretend that I’m your sugar daddy. There’s an equal exchange between the two of us (in this case, of money and booty). Now, say I go broke. Will you still stay with me? No, you’re going to run off with the pimp on the other street corner.
But whereas a normal feminist might just sit down dejectedly as if she’s just lost a sister to the world of paternalism, a brother from the ‘hood will walk down the street, shoot that &#*%$ pimp in the face, and liberate his woman. The lesson here, ladies, is that guns are just as good as money. And while it’s true I don’t really have that much experience with the streets of the proverbial “neighborhood,” I’ve watched MTV, I’ve listened to Eminem, so I feel pretty well-informed.
Finally, action flicks/TV: There are a lot of classic action films and television series that represent an absolute gold mine of tips for the power-hungry. One example: Power Rangers. Has no one ever noticed just how sweet Zordon has it? Despite being just a disembodied head, he somehow manages to defeat gigantic demons and evil space aliens on a daily basis. Actually, I’m sure one person has taken notice: Dick Cheney.
Think about it. The hairless cranium, the smooth cheeks, the emotionless face. And just like Zordon, Cheney’s power lies not in his direct attacks but in his ability to send a seemingly endless supply of foolish young people at you in droves. He even has the requisite robot/monkey sidekick.
If feminists want to really make a difference, they need to start hunting the big game, and Cheney’s it. Why waste your firepower on small fry like Larry Summers or Rush Limbaugh? Knock out the Man, put up the Wo-man, and enjoy your hard-won equality. Just don’t forget your magic sword.