There may be an entire month left in 2005, but I am going to execute a preemptive strike and release one of those completely original, not at all cliched lists of the best and worst things about 2005 … or at least the best and worst things I can remember.
Best Movie: Wedding Crashers. Though it dragged like RuPaul towards the end, the first 15 minutes of the film were cinematic perfection.
Worst Movie: Well, since I try not to watch crappy cinema, I couldn’t think of one. But I did think of the worst thing from a movie in 2005: Christian Bale’s Batman voice in Batman Begins. Every time he donned the black mask, he started talking like an emphysemic fifty-five year-old. Other than that, though, good flick.
Best Sports Moment: Rafael Palmeiro defiantly pointing at the camera as he told Congress “I have never used steroids. Period,” then, testing positive for steroids six weeks later.
Worst Sports Moment: The Patriots winning Super Bowl XXXIX.
Best Music: The White Stripes “Get Behind Me Satan.” One of the coolest bands around. If you don’t know who they are, find out. If you don’t like them, you’re probably the type of person that owns every volume of Now That’s What I Call Music … or you’re Canadian.
Worst Music: For the seventh year in a row, rap. Lil Jon, 50 Cent, Black Eyed Peas, Ying Yang Twins – these are some of the most original, creative artists of the past 50 years. Artistic geniuses, if you will. Oh wait, I’m sorry, what I meant to say was these no-talent ass-clowns are the reason why Toad’s Saturday Night Dance Party is still around. If Biggie were still alive and if 2pac weren’t in hiding, they would have capped all of their asses by now.
Best TV show: South Park, consistently the smartest and funniest show on television. This year’s hit list included episodes about sex changes, feeding tube removal, gay marriage, global warming, and Tom Cruise.
Worst TV show: Saturday Night Live. It’s been three years and they still haven’t recovered from the departure of Will Ferrell and his writing buddy Adam McKay. At this point, Mad TV is making SNL look like All That. Seriously, if you can’t make people laugh when George W. Bush is the butt of 75 percent of your jokes, you know you suck. Head Writer Tina Fey needs to take a page out of the Harriet Miers book and step down.
Best quotes: This category is like the Victoria’s Secret catalogue — overflowing with goodness (and there’s no need to pick just one).
Tom Cruise — After getting sprayed with water during an interview, he snaps, “You’re a jerk … (dramatic pause) … you’re a jerk.” Wow, what a performance.
Saddam Hussein in court — “I’m still the president of Iraq.” That’s almost as funny as when North Korean state media claimed that Kim Jong Il shot 11 hole-in-ones the first time he played golf.
Tom Cruise (again) — “When you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. … There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.” There is also no such thing as a sane scientologist.
Howard Dean — when speaking about how “difficult” it is for a working parent to find time to vote, he said, “Republicans, I guess, can do that, because a lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives.” With ammo like this, Dean’s ascension to the DNC Chairmanship was the best thing that happened to Republicans all year.
Tom Cruise (the man never stops!) – “You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do.”
Worst Trend: Dirty terrorists continuing to live and breathe.
Best idea: Chuck Norris random fact generator website. Go to http://www.4q.cc/chuck/, and I guarantee you will spend no fewer than 10 minutes there. One of my favorites is “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”
Worst idea: The QB vision cone on Madden ’06.
Best Book: “Now I can Die in Peace” by Bill Simmons aka Sports Guy. He’s the funniest man on the internet. He makes reading about the NBA enjoyable.
Worst Book: None, Michael Moore didn’t write one this year.
Douches of the Year: Kansas Board of Education. I think they just take their ideas straight out of Anchorman. “It’s anchorman, not anchorlady, and that’s a scientific fact!” “You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.” “God made people 4000 years ago and dinosaur bones were planted by Jews. It’s science.”
So there’s 2005 in a nutshell. Pack this baby up in the ol’ time capsule so you can show your kids what crazy times we lived in. And if you disagree with my choices, remember … you don’t know the history of 2005. I do.
Carl Willott has a huge time capsule.