The Polo pony, always a staple in the closet of the well-dressed prep, has taken a hit of steroids and galloped off the deep end. Ralph Lauren’s new shirts — featuring a near full-scale horse — project bourgeoise snobbery in IMAX proportions. Polo shirts, with their fitted cut and understated logo, are intended to be a tasteful expression of wealth and a subtle reminder of daddy’s yacht and mummy’s Upper East Side angst. Thanks Ralph, but I’d rather have a Warhol on my wall than a postmodern pony over my beating consumer heart.
For any Yalie with aspirations of becoming an Argentinian cowboy, Urban Outfitters’ “gaucho pants” provide a solution that makes assless chaps look like a flattering option. Snug at the waist — perfect for framing both your freshman 15 and post-graduation obesity — the pantaloons cascade into flowing awkwardness by midcalf. These pants shouldn’t be in your closet. They belong in the dumpster behind a Buenos Aires McDonald’s. “But scene,” you whine, “what if I’ve already taken off the tags and worn them to my hot yoga class?” Don’t cry for us, psuedo-Argentinian.
Fond memories of weeding Grandma’s tulip patch should stay in your secret garden. Sharing them with others by sporting garish rubber clogs with holes in them will only lead people to think that your summer trip to the Netherlands left you with a love for Dutch shoes and substance-inspired fashion purchases in Amsterdam. These shoes would be acceptable as wet-weather attire — if they hadn’t been designed with more holes than Grandma’s smile. Leave the clogs to Eurotrash minions and invest your cash in something uniquely American, like AXE body spray.