So you didn’t get tapped. You didn’t even get interviewed. You’re not going to be the next member of Skull and Bones, but you don’t want to miss out on the fun. Here are the top 10 ways to act like you’re on your way to secret society celebrity. You might even end up fooling someone besides yourself:
10. Dance on a table in Commons to the hottest new tracks by Mariah. If a cloaked friend or two snaps your picture, who won’t be convinced?
9. Write yourself notes on aged paper and stamp them with a distinctive wax seal. Feign surprise when your roommate points out these invitations have been shoved under the door to your common room.
8. Instead of admitting you pulled an all-nighter to finish your Biology of Sex and Gender report, say you spent the night in a coffin.
7. Run naked through CCL. Run naked through WLH. Run naked through SSS. Run naked through Toads. Laboratory goggles are so passe. Wear a rainbow Native American headdress. Presto, you’re in the Pundits.
6. Remember that outfit from leather night at Partners? No one has to know it’s not the required uniform for Mace and Chain.
5. Strip and crawl onto the Women’s Table at five o’clock in the morning. When a tour group surrounds your naked ass at 10 a.m., say only, “They made me do it.”
4. Rappel from the tower of the old Art Building into the courtyard of Skull and Bones. Once you’re there, they can’t kick you out, right?
3. Those aren’t bruises from falling off your roller-skate Keds, they’re bite marks from a midnight orgy. Denial is a clandestine pact between you and yourself to never admit your failure. How much more secret can you get?
2. Use your schmoozing at the Republican National Convention to get a tap override from Dubya.
And the number one way to fake secret society acceptance:
1. Ensure that friends see you sneaking away for several Thursday night “meetings.” When they prod you for the specifics, claim that you are one of the few but steadfast who put the “secret” in Secret Society. Haha! The catch-22 of society secrecy: No one can ever find you out.