Ladies, watch out! It’s the greatest pandemic to hit Yale since the great bout of “consumption” back in ’88 — 1788. Your suitemate has it. That hot girl in your section has it. Shoot, your dining hall card swiper might even have it. You may even have it.
It’s homo erectus … erectus.
Homo say what-tus? Homo say “gay boyfriend” — straight girls with gay boyfriends to be exact.
Most girls come equipped with some degree of gaydar. Some girls might not know that their boyfriends are rump rangers until it’s too late. My friend, who shall remain anonymous, bought her boyfriend the “The Metrosexual Guide to Style: A Handbook for the Modern Man.” Gurl, lemme tell you, it turned out to be a one way ticket to gay in a Louis Vuitton baguette.
Yes, Aveda Pomade and a pair of tweezers can work miracles! For those of you who can’t tell your ‘mos from your beaus, I’ve got some advice for you gurl. Here are a few letters from my readers:
My boyfriend is “open-minded.” We watch “Sex and the City.” Does that make him gay?
Forlorn in Pierson ’08
No, that makes him a devoted boyfriend.
The guy I’m seeing wears more fur than I do, is he … you know?
Lo-ki-ki in Calhoun ’06
Is he … P. Diddy? Hell no — NEXT!
I think my dad is cheating on my mom with the cabana boy. Help.
Tell me in Timothy Dwight ’08
Dear Tell me,
Have you sold your story to Telemundo? Sounds like a hot telenovela. You’re wasting my time.
My boyfriend only shops at Club Monac — OH NO, HE’S GAY!
Save me in Silliman ’06
Dear Save me,
You saved me some time. Smart girl!
Swingin’ in Swing Space ’05
Get a clue! You’re workin’ my nerves!
Some girls at Yale don’t mind dating gay. It’s kinda cute and non-threatening, much like dating a cuddly yet stylish puppy dog (or a pampered, I-only-eat-Fancy-Feast meow, meow total bitch).
Imagine the perfect gay-mate play date. Shopping would be a breeze: who else would tell you that cranberry is in this fall, anything coral is out and striped shorts accentuate your cottage cheese thighs? Hair and makeup? Hell, it’s like having a team of stylists rivaling J. Lo’s entourage all in one gay man.
Weekends would be spent going to see “Rent” and “Avenue Q.” Monday night football — maybe every once and a while to check out cute butts. Sex? Well, okay, so you’ll be getting more action in William Summers’ lecture.
After a while, reality sets in. All the ‘mos on the block will want to have your man. There will be a showdown a la West Side Story. You and your girls by the Women’s Table in pink tube tops and matching minis. Take those hoop earrings out girl: it’s on.
The boys arrive wearing … pink tube tops and matching minis plus tiaras. They look at you like “and what!?!” You snap your fingers. Dream’s “He Loves Me, He Loves You Not” starts to blaze in the background. The girls blast “He’s never gonna be with you, he’s into what he’s got. He loves me, he loves you not.” The boys respond with “He’s into what he’s got, he loves me, he love’s the (rhymes with sock).”
(Complete with Britney “I’m a Slave 4 U” choreography and an *Nsync break-it-down sequence atop the Women’s Table). Looks like the ‘mos win this time! Sorry ladies.
Vanity Cornwell would take J.Lo and her entourage in a showdown any day.