When Yale was founded in 1701, women were not allowed to attend. What did bright young women of that period do to keep their wits sharp? After much historical and sociological research, we concluded that these would-be Yalies satisfied their need for goal-oriented evaluation by taking archaic romance quizzes. In an effort to understand our forebears, we have republished a quiz from the then-popular publication, Seventeeneth Magazineth:
Fleet Like the Wind or Sunk Like the Spanish Armada:
How Floats Ye Olde Love Boat?
Thou hast fancied a sweet young lad for quite some time. His eyes are bright, his breeches tight and when thou first met him, thy heart took flight. Yet thy heart’s compass no longer points in a direction easy to discern. Doth the flames of thy passion still burn? Take thee this quiz below:
1. Thou and thy suitor art whiling away a warm summer afternoon in the company of your ladies-in-waiting. He
A. asks one of thy ladies, “Wherefore art thou waiting?” and saucily slaps her on the rump.
B. doth blend in with your party so well that thou forgetest his presence.
C. sighs lovingly and swoons, declaring he melts not only by the heat of the sun, but also by the glow of your good company.
2. When he passeth by thee with a cadre of his cousins, he
A. heaps insults upon thee. “Puking, pox-marked Puttock!” he shouts.
B. declares, “Lovely day,” and seems pleased with his astonishing insight.
C. leaps from his steed and shouts, “My love doth tread softly yonder. O, that I were the slippers upon her dainty feet!” and then swoons.
3. Thou art at the Globe, whiling time during intermission, when another lusty lad approaches. Your fellow responds by
A. embracing the lad. “Do they have laddies in waiting, too?” he asks and saucily slaps the fellow’s rump.
B. striking up a bit of banter so banal the lad bows out.
C. unsheathing his sword and challenging the lad to a duel. However, he swoons at the sight of another long sword.
4. When thou visiteth his country manor, he
A. taketh a trip to town without thee, but with thy ladies in waiting.
B. doth give thee all the information on crop rotation.
C. attempts to give thee a tour of the town but swoons before you cross the green.
5. If thou couldst compare him to a summer’s day, thou wouldst
A. compare him to the day of a crop-destroying summer storm.
B. say he art temperate. Too damn temperate.
C. compare him to a day that is far too hot, making all swoon whenever they exert themselves.
Alas! Alack! Alackaday! Thou art pining for one whose wood grows hard for others. Consign your affections elsewhere, for this mewling, milk-livered miscreant is mightily uninterested.
If thou seeketh a sound, stable marriage, search no further. But if thou seeketh a stallion in the sack, seek on. Sir B is Sir Too-Well-B-Haved.
Thy lad be loving but also potentially afflicted with dropsy. His swooning signifies that thou shouldst apply three leeches daily. Godspeed!