Welcome back. Hope everyone had a good Christmas Break. Wait — am I allowed to call it that?
“Christmas” is like the new F-word.
So let me fix that greeting: hope everyone had a good, neutral, non-denominational, multicultural, diversified break celebratory of the winter solstice. And I hope Santa Claus or Hanukkah Harry or Kwanzaa Kevin or Ramadan Ray or Agnostic Aaron or Festivus Fred or Atheist Adam gave you something nice.
It is a new year. I guess that means it’s my turn to do one of those completely original, not at all cliched “Predictions for 2005” columns. But first, let me tell you some of my New Year’s resolutions.
This year, I will decide if I find Tina Fey attractive, order a meal at “El Amigo’s,” stop neurotically checking Microsoft Outlook every five minutes, win a national championship with Yale on PS2 “NCAA 2005” at the All-American difficulty level, figure out why Sarah Jessica Parker is a sex icon, and uncover documents proving Ciara signed a contract with the devil to get her droning, repetitive, parasitic dance club rubbish played on the radio.
And now, the predictions for 2005:
1. Howard Stern, after switching to uncensored satellite radio, will go bankrupt. People stop listening to his show after they realize things were only funny because they were bleeped out. But now that the audience can hear all expletives, they will realize what Howard is actually saying isn’t, well, what one would call funny. A bleep-free Howard Stern is like a fat-free hamburger — it just won’t work.
2. Britney Spears will pose in Playboy, opening the floodgates for fellow sultry-but-struggling starlets like Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Hillary Duff, and Tara Reid. But this time, Tara’s scars will be airbrushed.
3. I will make fun of lacrosse players in at least two of my columns.
4. The Steelers will win the Super Bowl.
5. The release of “Miami Vice” on DVD will start a revolution, making pastel suits and V-neck T-shirts hip again.
6. While searching for bin Laden in Tora Bora, troops will find a cave with a recording studio built inside where they will see Tupac Shakur making his 19th posthumous record. Biggie will be next door chilling with mad hos.
7. An epic movie will be released in theaters about some old, big war and the History Channel will run a feature called “The Real Story Behind the Old, Big War That is Currently being Depicted in a Multimillion Dollar Movie Hit.”
8. Toad’s will play a song by Usher.
9. There will be a “hit” rap video involving Ludacris, an 80s song, someone dumping out Cristal, an Escalade, bling, crunkness, gold teeth, and honeys in bikinis dancing so that their booties stick out and shake really fast. (Man, this is too easy.)
10. Al-Jazeera will mistakenly leak a sex tape starring bin Laden, al-Zarqawi and a llama. It’s bound to happen, since these guys are more homoerotic than lacrosse players. There are just too many factors tempting them: pent up sexual energy from spending months in a sweaty, cramped, dirty cave with sweaty, dirty terrorists; the camcorder is always nearby; llamas constantly coaxing them with their shiny fur; and don’t forget the anti-Americanism — what is more un-American than man-on-man-on-llama dirty terrorist cave sex? And with all those video tapes just lying around in the cave, a dirty terrorist messenger is bound to mistakenly grab the one titled “Declaring Jihad on al-Zarqawi’s Anus” instead of the one titled “Declaring Jihad is al-Zarqawi’s Onus.”
11. On “The O.C.,” Marissa will become addicted to coke.
12. Yale basketball will not win the national championship. But Duke will.
13. Michael Moore will publish a book with his picture on the cover. The book will mention Flint, Michigan and evil corporations.
So, there you have it. And, no, I don’t have a crystal ball or a time machine or psychic powers. I’m just good at seeing patterns. Just call me Ray Fair. Or John Nash, but without that whole schizophrenic thing.
(Isn’t that right, Carl?)
Anyway, have a non-denominationally happy New Cycle of the Caesarean Calendar.
Carl Williott has never gotten crazy with llamas or al-Zarqawi. But 2005 is a whole new year.