So I was wandering around ABC headquarters this week, and I spotted a whistling William Shatner coming my way.
Naturally, I ran in the other direction to escape the Shat, whom I owe five smackeroos after losing the bet that he’d never be in primetime again — damn you, ABC. I ducked into what I thought was a janitor’s closet, which actually happened to be ABC’s creative programming closet — and the wardrobe room for “Less than Perfect.”
While in the closet, which smells like Andy Dick’s dirty drawers, I came across Freddie Prinze Jr., also hiding from the Shat, scribbling down his ideas for the new sitcom the network has just given him. Since Freddie and I go way back, I consented when he asked me to look over what he had so far.
Sadly, they all seemed to suck to the same degree, so I couldn’t really weed out any winners from the losers. But Freddie and I put our heads together and got a lot done while trying to ignore the Shat’s rendition of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” block out Andy Dick’s rank piles of laundry and create the best sitcom to hit ABC since “Boy Meets World.”
Since our primary target is the depressed post-election 18-25 year-old demographic, I figured I would present our top seven pitches to you, my fellow Yalies. Please send your comments directly to email@example.com. Better yet, if you could recommend that they hire me immediately — or at least stop using the Shat as a deterrent for my break-ins — I would really appreciate it.
“The Fresh Prinze of West Philly” — Freddie Prinze Jr. is a Bel-Air boy, born and raised, whose mother sends him to his gangsta relatives in West Philly to teach Prinze to stop being such a pussy. Mario Cantone, Joey Fatone and Sylvester Stallone would play his East Coast homies.
“Jeers” — Prinze plays an ex-B-list movie star who becomes a film critic who frequents a local bar filled with fellow alcoholics. Co-starring Kirstie Alley and Corey Feldman.
“The Prinze’s Diaries” — Prinze stars as a frizzy-haired, glasses-wearing Frisco geek who finds out he’s the heir to a small, powerless European country. With the help of Rachel Leigh Cook and Hector Elizondo, Prinze becomes hot, self-assured and the ruler of a zany picturesque nation where he will struggle to master archery, ballroom dancing and the art of marrying for money.
“Half-Hour Photo” — Freddie runs a photo developing shop where he, Jack Black and Casey Affleck interfere with the lives of their crazy customers, bewail digital cameras and make fun of Freddie’s nemesis/love interest, Christina Applegate.
“The Artist Formerly Known as Prinze” — Prinze plays a retired musical icon obsessed with sex, the color purple, doves and shiny cars. Supporting cast will include Jason Alexander and Dave Chappelle.
“Freddie vs. Jason” — Freddie beats the crap out of Jason Schwartzman for 22 minutes a week, every week, until Jason gets his family, the Coppolas, to come kick Freddie’s butt. At which point, the show becomes more “Sarah Michelle vs. Sofia.”
“The Prinze and the Pauper” — Freddie is the Prinze; Joshua Jackson is the pauper. Together, they are two college students who fail to get jobs after graduating from a university and become bums in Times Square. Guest appearances will be made by the Naked Cowboy, Simon Rex, approximately ten million tourists and, unless we can stop him, Harvey Fierstein.
Freddie and I were pretty proud of our work — that is, until we heard screams coming from outside.
We rushed out of the closet, and the Shat was writhing on the floor. The worst of all possible scenarios had happened. He had just interrupted Kelly Ripa’s yoga therapy to tell her Kerry conceded the election.
Freddie ripped off his shirt and tore it into bandages to stop the blood flowing from the inch-deep gashes in the Shat’s cheeks, but the stench of Andy Dick’s unwashed underwear had seeped into Freddie’s shirt and the Shat screamed in agony. Throwing the reeking fabric from his face, the convulsing Shat looked into my eyes and pointed his finger at me.
“You,” he shrieked, “You! Where’s my Lincoln?”
He grabbed my wrist and shook it for a moment before he passed out.
If anyone sees Shatner, tell him I hope he feels better. Since I called 9-1-1 and kept Ripa off him with a Vulcan Death Grip, he can consider us even. He isn’t getting a cent out of me, not even if I get this development deal — but if he really needs some extra cash, I know where Freddie stashes the change he made from “Scooby Doo.”
Katherine Stevens’ suitemate Miriam Clinton will be starring as Ashley Mortgage in ‘The Prinze of West Philly.’