Halloween always gives the feeling that there is a dark, menacing presence floating around, the feeling that something frightening is about to happen. I imagine it’s similar to the feeling Ashlee Simpson got when she pulled a Milli Vanilli on Saturday Night Live, Irish jigging her way off stage like the fraud that she is. It’s OK, Ashlee, your career may be over, but I’ll be sure to continue fantasizing about your sister.
This year, the scares of Halloween are dwarfed by the scares of the presidential election that will happen just two days later. The evils of this election are worse than the evils of Mike Myers, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Michael Moore combined. And in less than a week, they will be released upon the world.
Why are they so horrifying? Because of stupid people. People are stupid and people get to vote. Put those together, and the results are dreadful. Apparently, we are so stupid that Brits from The Guardian, an English newspaper, are writing letters to Americans to tell us who to vote for.
Maybe even more terrifying is the fact that college kids are probably the most fit to vote. Unlike adults, who have families, job interests, and other things to consider when voting, almost no external factors affect the vote of the self-centered college kid: we see the issues, form an educated opinion, and vote accordingly.
We follow politics like we follow the World Series. It’s the only way to survive, because when you are having an innocent conversation, some tool will inexplicably transform it into a political debate. This goes on for so long that you can’t help but become emotionally attached to your candidate. We don’t even care about the issues anymore; we just want our guy to win as a matter of pride. We want to tell the people on the other side to eat it. It has become as heated as the Sox-Yankees rivalry. Speaking of which, eat it Yankees.
In section, some kids are so into this stuff they actually get offended when you criticize forgotten figures like Grover Cleveland or James Polk. Stunning, isn’t it? I’d like to think this doesn’t happen at normal universities.
See, if everyone could have this college kid balance of education on the issues and an irrational attachment to the candidates, the election wouldn’t be so scary. That is how the process is supposed to work. Sure, you may have your Yales or your Harvards, where, if you took away the football, hockey, lacrosse, and baseball teams, the overall feeling is that the students would rename the country the United States of Mao. But for the most part, I think college voters follow this formula.
The adults are the ones that scare me. The ones that learn about the issues from campaign commercials and E! News. The ones that think satire is a type of Goodyear and the only news show they watch is the Daily Show. The ones that run this country. The ones that like Kerry because he plays football when he gets off the plane. Pretty much any adult. I am deathly afraid of the “Stupid Adult” vote. (By the way, is Kerry pandering to some sort of tarmac football demographic out there that I don’t know about? I mean, is playing football on an airstrip natural? Is this just another thing I was deprived of as a kid?)
How scary is it? Well, here are some concrete figures. The guy who came up with the McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it” ad campaign, he’s voting. 50 Cent, after he’s in da club, he’ll be in da booth pulling down da magic election stick, along with the rest of the pseudo-intellectual music world. The price gougers at York Copy, they have the right to vote. Howard Dean, in the style of his Iowa meltdown: HE’S GOING TO GO TO HIS GARAGE, THEN GET IN HIS CAR, THEN GO TO THE VOTING BOOTH, AND THEN GO BACK IN HIS CAR! YEAAAA (in crazy soccer dad voice)!
And Cameron Diaz, she gave us this little gem on Oprah the other day, proving beauty is on the outside:
“Women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies. If you think that rape should be legal, then don’t vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote,” Dumbass Diaz said.
Wow. I thought the whole “ditzy blonde” thing was an act. Her grasp on the issues is not exactly kung-fu grip. Did I mention she is voting?
The person that decided to start calling “game shows” “reality shows” gets to vote. The people who decided to enact Beer McCarthyism at the Harvard tailgate get to vote.
All former members of the Real World get to vote, even though I’m pretty sure their combined brain power would be equivalent to my dog’s. Think about it, they’re all bitches; my dog is a bitch. They have a minimal grasp of the English language, just as my dog understands the essential words. All they do is eat, drink, hump, and whine. All my dog does is eat, drink, hump, and whine. Should my dog get a vote? It can do tricks, so why not?
So am I suggesting we completely overturn the Constitution and go back to the elitist voting laws? Not at all. I’m just saying it’s time to lose hope in humanity, if you haven’t already. Prepare yourself, because the “Stupid Adult” vote could be the deciding factor in this election. And because even more stupid adults will be voting this time around, don’t be surprised if it’s more screwed up than the election of 2000. And after November 2, 2004, those stupid adults will go back to their stupid lives, never knowing how much they affected the history of this country.
But you know what: I’d rather have stupid American people pick the president than some idiots from an English newspaper.
Carl Williott will be attending the ACLU Halloween costume party dressed as Bradley Bailey as RuPaul.