This Halloween weekend I’m afraid we’ve got some pretty scary matters on our hands. And, no, I’m not talking about the fake blood you smeared all over yourself last year to get that vampire-chic look — Okay, fine, who are we kidding? You were totally MacBeth. Nerd. But, bloody fingers aside, we all know that our beloved October 31st, the “scariest night of the year,” is being one-upped by little ol’ November 2nd, this year’s clear winner of “even scarier night of the year.”
But rather than let my favorite holiday slip through the cracks, I struggled to find a compromise in this week’s scene column by thinking about where Halloween fits into the current presidential race. I started by pondering issues such as: how many more lawns will get toilet-papered on mischief night because of a campaign sign out front? Or how many New Hampshire-ites will shun tiny trick-or-treaters in fear that their doorbells are announcing more Kerry campaigners?
Then I started asking myself the hard questions. For instance, how on earth do John Kerry and Teresa Heinz Kerry man the doors for trick-or-treaters at ALL of their houses? I mean seriously, they have like a billion of them. Or at least five. Do they hire crews to man the doors? Or are they the types to leave a whole bunch of goodies out in a basket on the front stoop for the taking? One can only hope that our Democratic knight-in-shining-armor would be so trusting of his neighbors’ kids.
And what kind of candy will the Bushes and the Kerrys hand out? I’m pretty confident that the Kerrys give out full-sized candy bars. This is a big deal. In a world where most families buy bags of “fun-size” candy bars — and we all know this is a stupid, misleading name for pansy-ass pieces of chocolate — we’ve got to appreciate those rare folks who go the extra step to give you a whole Snickers bar. It’s a gesture that seems to say, “I’m not going to skimp on benefits just because you’re a child. THIS Halloween, there will be ‘no child left behind.'”
I can just see the New York Times article on Monday morning. It will read:
“Trick or Treat?” Washington D.C., Oct. 31 — Last night the Kerrys handed out king-sized Snickers bars — and Milky Ways for those allergic to nuts — at each of their billions of houses all across the United States. The kids were going wild. Polls show increased support EVERYWHERE.
In Kennebunkport, the Bushes handed out Bit O’ Honeys and those pale-orange marshmallows shaped like peanuts, clinching the Democratic vote in Maine.
And so on.
Oh, shut up, you. I know the Bushes probably have a ball on Halloween. But a girl can dream — and drink heavily — can’t she?
Furthermore, exactly how many skeletons ARE in Bush’s closet?
And what kinds of costumes will our candidates wear?
I think Kerry and Edwards could definitely pull off Batman and Robin. Can’t you just see John Edwards in green tights and a red cape? Wouldn’t you LIKE to see him in green tights and a red cape? Yeah, me too.
And Bush and Cheney? SO the Joker and Penguin, right?
Alright, enough playing around. I’m serious in stressing that we can’t forget about Halloween. It’s just the best. Get dressed up, go liquor-treating, and wear your George W. Bush mask to the Yale Symphony Orchestra show.
But I’m more serious when I ask that you keep in mind what’s at stake this coming Tuesday. Regardless of your political views, send in your absentee ballots. And if you’re registered in Connecticut, please, please vote.
For those of you who are still undecided, remember: the Joker seems like a fun guy, but he’s up to no good. Don’t let Wednesday the 3rd become the “most scariest night of the year EVER.” Help make the day after Election Day one of new and hopeful ideas. And, as always, vote for John Kerry.
Liz Kinsley is a compassionate liberal who is not allergic to nuts.