Apparently, there is a presidential election coming up. And, apparently, John Kerry and George W. Bush are the two best people we could find for this job. If you laughed at that, I’m grateful, since I’ll take any laughs I can get, but it wasn’t a joke. No, seriously, those are the two dudes running for president. As Robert Goulet once said, “You wouldn’t hire a clown to fix a leak in the john, so why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?”

And tear down the biz is exactly what they do. Watching Kerry speak is like watching a drunk relative dance to “Hey Ya” at a wedding: face glowing red (or in Kerry’s case, orange), arms flailing like Rock’em Sock’em Robots and awkward bellows spewing from the mouth. Everyone viewing has that grimacing, please-make-it-stop look. It’s a frightening experience.

On the flip side, every time I see Bush speak, I feel like I’m watching one of those prescription drug commercials where the drug sounds like it was named after a village in Iraq, and the narrator doesn’t tell you anything about the drug, and the whole commercial is just some guy plowing a giant field. Then it’s over, and you think “what the f*k just happened?”

For the above-mentioned reasons, it is obvious why no one wants to hear Kerry talk at them or listen to Bush try to say “vociferously.” Since we know one of these two men will win anyway, why don’t we just eliminate the rest of the debates and campaign events? We should just have them do a pentathlon of obscure events, akin to the one in “Billy Madison.” Why waste our time listening to speculation and promises when we could really get a good feel for the candidates by watching them face off in a game of beer pong?

Think about it, Dick Vitale could be the announcer. Nelson “Lucky Charm” de la Rosa, the mini-me to Pedro Martinez’ Dr. Evil, could be the referee. We could have one event per day, to guarantee there is ample time for analysis, polls, analysis of the polls, the creation of new ads, analysis of the new ads and polls of the analysis of the new ads.

The first event could be Madden 2005 (with injuries and fatigue enabled so as to better assess the candidates’ decision-making skills). I doubt Kerry’s wife ever lets him play video games, but something tells me Bush takes plenty of Nintendo breaks in the White House. Even with Bush playing as the Texans and Kerry as the Patriots, I’d have to say advantage: Bush.

Event number two: Walk-off Between the Two Wives. Laura Bush has that regal, innocent, Southern-belle quality, which isn’t bad — if this were 1956. But this is 2004; we want scandal. We want a drunk, a bitch. I’d say Teresa Heinz Kerry fits the bill. Here’s the bottom line: I’d let a vodka-soaked Teresa Heinz Kerry tell me to shove it any time. Plus, she’s filthy rich, which automatically makes her hotter. Advantage: Kerry

Event number three: Spelling Bee. Who wouldn’t want to see John and George up on-stage with their little name tags, standing in front of that microphone and asking for the origin of “terpsichorean?” Advantage: Bush — just making sure you were paying attention. Of course Kerry would win this — unless “nucular” is one of the words.

Event number four: Gay Chicken. You know the game “chicken?” Well in gay chicken, the two guys lean in to kiss each other and whoever turns away first loses. Now, don’t be so quick to count out the good ol’ boy from Texas. Remember, he was in a frat here at Yale, so this won’t be his first homoerotic experience. On the other hand, we all remember seeing those lovey-dovey pictures of Johns Kerry and Edwards embracing each other while on the campaign trail — or the “Trail of Love” as I like to call it. Advantage: in a surprise, I’m taking the frat boy from Texas. Note, however, that if either had played lacrosse in college, then it would probably turn into a game of Gay French Kiss.

Final event: Stand-up Comedy. Bush has the advantage in delivery, but there’s also a chance that he’d laugh at his own jokes. Kerry is much clumsier, so he could use the physical comedy angle. Advantage: Bush, if only because he could pull out this tasty lick: “John Kerry walked into a bar, and the bartender said, ‘Why the long face?’ — No, but seriously folks, what is John Kerry’s favorite shoe? The flip-flop!”

So there you have it. It’s going to be close, but I’d put my money on George “W is for Win” Bush to pull it out in the tiebreaker fifth event. Forget the MLB playoffs, check out the Presidential Pentathlon of Obscurity 2004. It’s awesome, baby!

Carl Williott tears down the biz. We don’t know what that means either.