With Camp Yale over and the Jewish holidays at hand, it’s easy to get sucked into the festive spirit. And while we are all proponents of good clean fun, scene would like to help other people learn from its mistakes by giving you a few tips for the coming weeks. If you are Italian, you can apply this to Columbus Day. If you’re not Italian or Jewish, well, just be happy that you probably don’t have that much back hair.
1a. Don’t do ecstasy. Well, let’s rephrase that: Don’t go to a foreign country and buy a white pill from a strange tattooed man in the back of a discotheque. Inevitably, you will learn the hard way that you have consumed a delightful mix of amphetamines and heroin — not the ecstasy you’d been hoping for. It is scary, and can make you feel very crappy for many days. Doubtlessly, you will find yourself wandering the streets of Rio, Prague or Saigon, seeing the world as though you were the driver of a Japanese speed train going full throttle along the sidewalk. Hopefully, you are not actually driving a Japanese speed train going full throttle along the sidewalk. If you are, please get off.
1b. When the speed kicks in, it kicks in hard. Don’t be fooled by the nice warm feeling you are getting from the junk on top of it. Picture a basketball player walking into a dark stadium at the beginning of some sort of shoe commercial, bouncing his ball a little, and then all of the sudden, every light in the place goes on. Blinding, white, electric light drowns out everything. That’s, scientifically speaking, what happens to your brain on speed. And if you’ve had a few glasses of Manischewitz beforehand, fuggedaboudit. You’re going to end up like someone who didn’t read Jess Feinstein’s article on Page 1: knocked up, alone, and employed a wet nurse for some rich Peruvian family.
2. Don’t, we repeat, DON’T sleep with your aunt or uncle. Let’s just leave it at that.
3. Avoid speaking to animals. They have nothing interesting to say, and most of the time, they are just trying to get something from you, like money, or a cheap night in a motel off of Highway One in Long Beach. Dobermans are the worst.
4. Don’t worship false idols. That’s basically one of the commandments, and well, Moses was totally right. You know how much New Kids on the Block crap Steve had to get rid of last year when he realized maybe they weren’t as cool as he’d thought all along? Now look at him: he’s a wet nurse.
5. As a rule, it’s best to stop throwing objects and/or people out the window. Your parents are only going to buy you a new computer so many times. And they can only replace so many little brothers — at some point, your mother will hit menopause.
6. Don’t stalk people. It’s so last Rosh Hashanah. Michael Douglas, we don’t know why people like Dawnette Knight and Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction” obsess over you. We would never stalk you, and we would never send you love letters with heart stickers and photos of us in nothing but our Yale blue thong. That would just be wrong — unless, of course, you like that sort of thing. If so, you know where we live. Oh, wait, no — we know where you live. Never mind.
7. We all like fire. It keeps us warm, lights our joints, turns to ash the buildings of former lovers and those who tried to get a restraining order against us. But fire should not be used indiscriminately and wastefully in the lighting of candles made of poor innocent animal fat. If you want to light someone’s fat, why not light your own?
OK, so that had nothing to do with the holidays, not really. It’s just good life advice. And a perfectly legal way for us to give a shout out to MD. We love you, Mikey!