The college hook-up is an easy concept to grasp. Boy goes to Toad’s. Boy sees girl. Boy forgets to buy girl drink. Girl buys herself drink. Boy drinks all of girl’s drink. Boy and girl dance. Boy and girl leave. Boy and girl hook-up.
But what if boy and girl still want to “hang out” later? Without the comfort zone of Toad’s, sticky-beer floors and sweet sweat-perfumed air providing the mating ground for those horny, eager, and willing, the post-drunken bliss can be difficult to come by.
But it is so easy to come if they succeed in mastering the etiquette of the booty-call. Destiny’s Child may have the booty, but it ain’t licious without a little bit of etiquette thrown in. The following column is a guide for those post-midnight pleas for a little late-night loving.
A booty call was defined in a random and completely non-legit Web site compliments of the Google God as either the act of calling or contacting a person for the sole purpose of hooking-up or a person who is the recipient of such a call.
Normally booty calls take place past midnight, when drunk revelers are prone to wander through Old Campus alone, sadly flipping through their phone books. Of course, there are those few Yalies brave enough to attempt the sober weekday booty-call, often hidden beneath a friendly “You want a study break?” The wink-wink, nudge-nudge is duly implied. However, it must be acknowledged that those are rare occurrences — usually restricted to individuals who have been hooking-up consistently with a significant other for some period of time — significant aptly defined as “I know what letter his or her last name starts with …” The best booty-calls are those made late at night with a simple statement declaring your sudden boredom. “I’m bored” = “I want to get in your pants.”
The sly maneuvering of text-messaging and late-night IM’ing only facilitates this underground world of booty-calls. While the cell phone late-night call is a goody, it’s undeniably an oldie. Why risk mumbling your words and putting yourself literally on the line to receive an audible rejection, when you can just text a sweet short note such as: “U wanna meet up?” or “U wanna?” or just “Wanna?” Of course, the unreliability of such new-age modes of communication such as text messaging can leave more than your thumbs sore — stress headaches are an inevitable consequence of debating between whether or not your booty-call hopeful has 1) received the text message and has chosen to ignore it or 2) dropped their cell phone in the toilet for the third time that week and is consequently unreachable.
If you choose to go the text-messaging route you deserve the headache. In general, booty texts are both unreliable and tacky. One girl disclosed a scenario in which her hook-up buddy attempted to entice her with nightly “Cum over” messages. And I thought “luv ya” was bad. So what if the booty-call hopeful actually decides to ignore your poor taste and pursue a hook-up with you that night? Does he or she text you back? Or is a phone call the appropriate way to respond? Text-messaging’s innate ambiguity prevents the success rate for booty-texts to reach its highest apex.
Nonetheless, as bad as text-messages are, online booty calls are potentially even worse. One must be wary while pursuing e-booty. Tone can be lost online and those winky faces (and let us not forget the kissy ones) can be very deceiving to the untrained eye. Do not under any circumstances initiate a first-time booty call online. The receiver will not know if you’re serious and in future situations will likely ignore your grinding up against them and licking the side of their face as merely friendly behavior. All opportunities for a hook-up can be lost. However, if you have hooked-up with an individual before and see that they are online when you return home from a night out, AIM can make you An Instant Mack.
If you were with your booty hopeful earlier in the evening and then proceeded to get separated from him or her, you are only allowed two phone calls. Do not leave messages. If this is a random reinitiated booty-call, you get one chance and that’s all. Do not call incessantly. Trust me… they see that you are calling. And they also see the ignore button. If you decide to forgo the stringent advice above, keep in mind that the number of booty-calls for one evening must be kept relative to the number of times you have hooked-up with the callee in the past.
More worldly booty-call etiquette advice: Never call from a different number. If they didn’t answer when they saw “Bob Calling” the first 12 times, you ought to take the hint. It is a dirty little trick to borrow a friend’s cell to make a booty-call. Even dirtier (and sadder) to block your number.
Finally, here is my “Do not try this at home” section — true life Yale Booty Calls Gone Wrong.
Scenario 1: Do not tell someone with whom you were hanging out with earlier in the night to “meet you outside of Durfees at 2 a.m.” so that the individual will be there to receive you post-Toad’s glory. That my friend, is a booty foul. Scenario 2: If you call an individual for a booty-call and they respond, “No,” do not proceed to call five more times, go to their dorm and walk into their bedroom in search of a hook-up (all while the booty-call recipient is yelling for you to leave). Scenario 3: Do not booty-call a hopeful and then, upon waiting the requisite one-hour time period, persist to booty-call their best friend.
In the end, never assume that a booty-call will be received by the hopeful. You will only make an ass out of u and me — well actually, just you — so be forewarned.
The best booty-call? Think “Say Anything,” John Cusack and a kick-ass soundtrack.
Dana Schuster can be reached at 203-555-6523.