Waddup Seniors!

Alas, this is not an e-mail from Josh Secrest. But it is almost as much of a waste of time. Why? I’ve got senioritis. Bad. At this point, I’m far more interested in wasting time than using it productively.

So in order to further waste your time, as well as mine, I’ve created:

The Class of 2004 Senioritis Sports Quiz

May it prevent you from doing work, at least temporarily.

1. The Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship between UConn and Georgia Tech is on. You —

a. Get together with your buds and watch the game.

b. Sprawl out on your own couch; getting up is too much effort.

c. Forget about it, turn on the game halfway through, see that it’s a blowout, change the channel, but come back at the very end so you can make fun of how sappy “One Shining Moment” is.

2. The Women’s NCAA Basketball Championship between UConn and Tennessee is on. You —

a. Notice that Diana Taurasi seems to be going bald. Giggle.

b. Watch the game and root for UConn to make it a historic college hoops sweep.

c. Quickly change the channel, but secretly switch back when your roommates aren’t looking.

3. The Yanks are opening the season against Triple-A Tampa Bay in Tokyo at 5 a.m. You —

a. Dream that the Devil Rays win. And they do!

b. Decide not to set your fantasy lineup out of protest that A-Rod isn’t playing his first game in pinstripes in the US of A.

c. Set the alarm.

4. The Yanks are playing Tampa again, this time in Florida. You —

a. Wonder where the Ricoh’s gone.

b. Shout “Loooooooooooou” at the TV every time Lou Piniella appears onscreen.

c. Wish that Mike Mussina could just WIN a GAME!

5. Your plan for watching the Masters is —

a. To watch on Sunday, as Tiger collects green jacket No. 4.

b. Masters! We don’t need no stinkin’ Masters! We’ve got Most Extreme Elimination Challenge on SpikeTV!

c. Skip class Thursday and Friday, insist that you only be referred to as “Hootie,” and burp every time John Daly putts.

6. Your friend asks you a question about the NFL Draft. You —

a. Refer him to the four mock drafts you’ve already drawn up, and propose that the Patriots will trade up into the Redskins slot in order to select Stephen Jackson before the Lions do. Ask him if he wants to be a part of your “war room.”

b. Imagine Mel Kiper oiling his hair. Giggle.

c. Tell your friend he’s a loser. Go back to your reading response.

7. Barry Bonds hits home run No. 660. Your immediate reaction is to —

a. Wish you had a barcalounger at your locker.

b. Complain about the steroid problem and lecture on the finer points of Bonds’ changing facial structure.

c. Gush about how great Bonds and Mays are for baseball.

8. As you flip channels up toward the cluster of ESPN networks. You —

a. Stop on ESPN. Watch.

b. Browse ESPN and ESPN2. If there’s nothing worthwhile, move on.

c. Stop on ESPN Classic. Begin a two-hour argument with your roommates about whether John Elway really is the Devil.

9. You have a paper due tomorrow. You —

a. Hate your professor. You’re done with your senior essay; therefore you should be done with any and all schoolwork.

b. Get the paper over with as fast as you can and head for the bar.

c. Watch ESPN Classic.

10. After finding out your results on the quiz, you feel confident that you will be revealed to be —

a. A full-blown-senioritis-infected senior!

b. A junior, sophomore, freshman, troglodyte or John Elway.

c. This is a quiz? Just a minute ago I was watching ESPN Classic!

Answer Key

Each answer assigned 0, 1 or 2 points

(1.) a-0, b-1, c-2 / (2.) a-2, b-0, c-1 / (3.) a-1, b-2, c-0 / (4.) a-1, b-2, c-0 / (5.) a-0, b-2, c-2 / (6.) a-1, b-2, c-0 / (7.) a-2, b-1, c-0 / (8.) a-0, b-0, c-2 / (9.) a-1, b-0, c-2 / (10.) a-0, b-1, c-2

Score of 15-20:

Waddup Seniors! You probably don’t remember this, but I wrote that at the beginning of this column! You’re skipping class as you read this, but you don’t feel the least bit guilty! Mostly because NFL Films Presents 1991 is far more important than Con. Law. They should base the constitution on the righteous nastiness of Buddy Ryan’s defense anyway. But which group of Buddy’s Boys were better — the ’91 Eagles or ’85 Bears? Conventional wisdom says the Bears, but I’m not so sure. Discuss.

Score of 10-14

You’re either a pretty normal senior or a slacking underclassmen. You’re a little bored, but generally willing to do work when it has to get done. You shower on a daily basis. You like John Elway and are wondering how it is that I could equate him to the anti-Christ.

Score of 0-9

You see, when John Elway refused to play for the Baltimore Colts after being selected with the No. 1 overall pick in the 1983 NFL Draft, he set off a chain of events that resulted in the Colts’ leaving for Indianapolis in the infamous “Midnight Move” of 1984. (I can explain this here because people who scored this low didn’t finish the column.) So, as anyone from Baltimore would tell you, Elway is forever scorned — along with Mayflower truck connoisseur Robert Irsay — for stripping Baltimore, one of the best football towns in America, of the sport for 12 years.

Waddup seniors!