Aries
“Some say love, it is a river –” but if you haven’t even stepped in a puddle or two, it’s your own damn fault. Spring is the time to find some and find it fast. Dig your personality up from wherever you left it last time it was over 30 degrees and make some new friends.
Taurus
The bull is considered a fertility symbol, so be careful with the lovin’ this springtime. No need to come back from spring break with more than a tan. If you’re not looking for love but have a very fertile mind, for Pete’s sake, stay in the library — it’s a battlefield out there.
Gemini
Too much of anything can be toxic, so if you’re feeling like Britney on a bad day, invest in a little sleep. Honestly, what are the average hours per night slept on this campus? Four? Stress might be a necessary component of your perfectionist life, but if you don’t watch it, y’all are gonna have heart attacks by the age of 35.
Cancer
Those around you may be sensitive to criticism this month, and it is advisable that you not mention for the millionth time that you have a great internship lined up with Goldman Sachs for the summer. Pretend to be really interested in recycling or something else liberal to maintain social homeostasis.
Leo
You and your beloved are so happy that it’s springtime that you promenade through the beautiful muddy streets beneath the wondrous dreary skies holding hands and singing. Get the hell out of here.
Virgo
Was there something you were looking for this semester besides summer employment? Ah, a sex life. Well, good luck finding one. The stars have heard that the business school is a good place to look for something you only want to find once, but for the creeps among you there’s always Bulldog Days.
Libra
Planning to start an NGO in a third-world country? What do you people eat for breakfast, ambition or amphetamines? From the way you’ve been grinding your teeth, probably a little of both. Nothin’ says lovin’ like a toothless, agitated over-achiever.
Scorpio
Asking people what they did over spring break is no way to start a conversation. If you do not variegate your social skills, the stars foresee the Yale Students for Christ besieging you with conversations about Jesus, and possibly also summer internships at Goldman Sachs.
Sagittarius
C-c-c-c-cold hearted? Thanks to Yalestation the dating scene here is as hot as the weather. Fortunately, Betty Dodson has a new book: Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. Take it from a 74-year-old woman with a 27-year-old boyfriend.
Capricorn
Your online stars (http://www.swoon.com/horoscopes) say to ‘do your best to find the balance between being guardedly optimistic and the proverbial “bird in the hand” being “worth two in the bush.”‘ What this means is unknown, but it is likely that you will be totally screwed by some unforeseen disaster and your outlook on life will change for the worse. AHAHHAHHAHAHA.
Aquarius
It is likely that you will sleep through Natural Hazards for all of this month. This will have a negative affect on your physical health, as you will no longer learn the secrets of the baseball team’s workout schedule. Compensate by sleeping even more to burn calories.
Pisces
If the most exciting adventure you’ve had in a while was your last trip to Gourmet Heaven, it’s time to spice things up. Will you be the reason Security gets called on stage this year at Spring Fling? Probably not, but consider yourself a success if you make it through the day without talking about finals.
Olivia Ciacci is a junior in Morse and she would like to you know that if you think that any of these personally pertain to you, it must be because she’s totally psychic. For serious.