Without any ado, the top six sporting events you had no time to pay attention to during spring break. Just missing the cut were that guy who hit that other guy in hockey and got in trouble and that thing with all those college teams playing basketball.
6. The team boosters ran down to the court and told me there was a 19-point spread and that we needed to make something happen quickly–
The jubilation on the New Jersey Nets sideline Thursday night when Aaron Williams tipped in a missed shot at the final buzzer is typically reserved for meaningful achievements. Alas, those whooping it up on the bench were instead celebrating the most shameless attempt at gaining a moral victory in recent sports history. Williams’ shot, which came after an intentional foul that stopped the clock with 13 seconds left, pushed the Nets over the 70-point mark and snapped the visiting Pistons’ streak of holding opponents under 70 at five. It didn’t seem to matter that they had just lost, at home, to the team they’re slotted to play in the second round of the playoffs — by 18 points. You have to think the Nets are in big trouble. Jason Kidd might be out the rest of the season, the luster of Lawrence Frank’s 13-0 start has worn off (and he looked downright silly calling for the intentional foul), and the Pistons saw the unabashed joy on their faces when they heroically scored 71 points. Meanwhile, recent studies have shown people are more likely to have scored with a nun than they are to score on the Pistons right now.
5. To be honest, it didn’t hurt as much as when he forgot my birthday. That I was really broken up about–
Terrell Owens’ agent inexplicably managed to forget to file the paperwork that would have made his client a free agent. The 49ers capitalized by trading the disgruntled receiver to Baltimore. T.O. filed a grievance and ultimately ended up getting traded to his preferred destination of Philadelphia. Terrell said he wants to win, but I smell ulterior motives. Not only will he now have the opportunity to celebrate on the Dallas Cowboy 50-yard-line every year, but he’ll also be able to tap into the Eagles’ fans’ propensity for throwing debris onto the field — word is that T.O. has encouraged fans to hurtle chunks of the old Veterans’ Stadium onto the field where he can sign them and further exploit his endorsement deal with Sharpie.
4. With Jesse Ventura as my inspiration, the NFL can only be a steppingstone to future endeavors–
Perhaps taking his cue from another wrestler raised in Minnesota, Brock Lesnar announced just days before Wrestlemania XX that he would leave professional wrestling after the event in order to pursue an alternate career. However, while Ventura chose the State House as his preferred venue, Lesnar — the 2000 NCAA heavyweight wrestling champion — has the gridiron on his mind. Despite never having played a down of football in college, Lesnar has decided to throw his hat into the ring (or I guess this would be out of the ring) of potential NFL draftees. Meanwhile, in an unrelated story, I have decided to make myself eligible for the U.S. Olympic curling team.
3. First I tried to use this to get Ben Affleck to shut up, but that didn’t work so–
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig threatened to invoke his “best interests of the game clause” to mandate more rigid steroid testing immediately in light of what is emerging as an issue that has the potential to irreparably harm the game’s image in the public eye. Selig wants to go beyond the parameters of the current collective bargaining agreement to implement these tests. The players union — the most notoriously rigid union in the United States — is about as likely to allow Selig to move ahead with this as Donald Trump’s glorified henchman/henchwoman are to comment on their boss’s hair in the boardroom of “The Apprentice.”
2. See, that’s why I don’t talk to the media. They make me out to be some kind of greedy, soulless lowlife. What they don’t tell you is that, like a cow, I have four stomachs —
“The money ain’t the thing, because I have that,” Ty Law told The Boston Globe last week. “Then again, I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t want $7 million, either. That’s stupid. Hell, we all gotta eat.” Law is slated to make $17 million over the next two seasons. Either Ty should pull a Fletch and start putting his meals on the Underhills’ tab or he should stop beefing with Bill Belichick and start beefing for dinner more often with his family. Maybe that will save him some money.
1. Now if we could only surround him with some quality players. Hey how about Jason Giambi? No? Miguel Tejada? Johnny Damon? Oh well, Scott Hatteberg is due for a breakout season any time now–
The Oakland Athletics finally ponied up some cash to keep one of their big-time players, inking Eric Chavez to a six-year, $66 million deal, the largest in team history. Surrounding him in the devastating A’s lineup will be Mark Ellis, Mark Kotsay and Marky Mark. With Mark Mulder and Mark Redman in the starting rotation, Oakland will no doubt be a funky bunch this season, even if it does hit .250 as a team.