College is often characterized as a free-for-all: an opportunity to delve into the world of academia, activities and the art of the random hook-up. Although college students no longer reside under the ever-looming watch of their parents and are hopefully on the pathway to becoming adults in the real world, there are still rules to abide by, drinks to decline (jungle juice), and etiquette mantras to follow. Hence, the following column is a tribute to college etiquette: those unspoken rules that quietly guide the actions of all moralistic Yalies throughout their four years.
Unspoken rules aptly account for the unspoken art and etiquette of eye-sex. Oh, come on. Don’t try to tell me you’re an eye-sex virgin. We’ve all done it one or twice, and another time the next morning. Eye sex, you sex, we all sex.
I’ll give you a scenario. You’re walking down the street when you see a beautiful person — Rumpus status not required — heading towards you. At this point you have three options. Bow your head and look at the floor. Stare straight ahead and avoid all eye contact. Or three, engage in the most passionate eye-sex of your life. If you really want to add some spice to the encounter you can even give them a slight smile or (gasp) say hello. But don’t worry if you’re not down for the latter… words are futile in the art of love.
You see, everyone eye-sexes — it’s just that no one talks about it. It’s like an unspoken orgy, minus the risk of syphilis: an eye candy sex-fest.
Although there is no risk of STDs, one must still be wary. Foremost, it is possible to become an eye-sex addict. The term whore is not applicable because you don’t receive monetary compensation for eye-sex prowess. But nonetheless, the connotations apply. I have one friend who finds innate pleasure in eye-sexing every single man she sees on the street. Fat, short, old, ugly, or wearing a Harvard shirt, she will eye-sex each and every single one of them. She admits that she does it for fun, for the little extra bounce. Eye-sexing is the quickest way to boost one’s ego.
Another risk of eye-sex is eye-rape. If you suspect that the old, skeevy man or woman walking towards you is a potential eye-raper, I recommend crossing the street to relieve the potential for an uncomfortable situation. If you’re unable to, then quickly pull your hood down over your face and yell for help.
In general, it’s vital to eye-sex with discretion. If done too consistently, it can become monotonous. Try new locations, explore the ground for eye-sexing. If you’re a quickie sidewalk eye-sexer, maybe move to a window-seat at Starbucks where you can stare at the beautiful specimens of New Haven behind the protective shield of a glass window, and with the much-needed post eye-sex cigarette and mocha espresso an arms-length away.
Likewise, if you’re a self-proclaimed eye-sex virgin, be wary when eye-sexing at the gym. Eye-sex can get an intense there, especially since you know that at least half the women working out (most notably those garbed in pink Juicy velour sweat suits) are more likely to be exercising their eye-sexpertise than their “spring break is only three weeks away” bottoms. Take, for example, the elliptical machines. You’re on the machine for 30 minutes with nowhere to look but straight ahead. The potential for eye-sex amazes me to this day. (I’ve even done it through the mirror!)
Despite the fact that you can eye-sex a plethora of men and women, a monogamous relationship is not to be disregarded. If you continuously chance upon eye-sex with that same guy or girl every time you eat in Commons, who knows, maybe one day they’ll actually come over and say hello. Of course, once you officially meet them, the eye-sexing technically comes to an end.
Finally, while eye-sexing is definitely a good time, it’s limited in its appeal. Eye-sexing is like window shopping … look, but don’t touch (and then go home later to complain to your friends about how badly you wanted it). Hence, don’t be scared to use parties and a pleasant drunken stupor to bring eye-sexing to a more tangible form. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that “you’ve noticed them noticing you notice them notice you.” Hell, if they like you enough to eye-sex, they’ll probably be down for a conversation … okay, a hook-up at least.
Here are some final eye-sex etiquette rules:
Sunglasses are appropriate and useful devices for eye-sexing. If you wear sunglasses at night, you’re still a tool; eye-sexing is no excuse. Don’t eye-sex homeless people.
Freely eye-sex from all window locations and freely eye-sex all window-sitters.
Lecture boring? Practice your eye-sex technique with the professor. Come on, it’ll give you something to do! (And you’d be surprised at the reciprocation rate).
Eye-sexing at parties is unacceptable. If you don’t have the nerve to make a move, stop staring.
Every now and then eye-sex a youngin’. You’ll make them feel hot and you’ll feel hot, too.
Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.
Dana Schuster was devasted when she came down with pinkeye.