Aries

The stars offer mixed advice for you in the New Year: now is the time for you to get busy — as in first thing this morning — but not too busy. Moving forward too soon is the same as moving backward. Don’t disappoint any celestial bodies this year: take your time and do it right.

Taurus

The stars have heard you moaning and grunting in the Payne Whitney Gymnasium, and they would like you to shut up. Just because you can lift a bull doesn’t mean you should sound like you’re making out with one. And bring a towel next time. Thanks.

Gemini

You look thrilled to be back at school. But how do you really feel? Are you expressing yourself to those around you? Or are you completely incapable of any emotion other than “thrilled”? Don’t push the envelope with the New Year’s resolutions this year: it’s OK to be a permanently happy person, as long as you share your prescription.

Cancer

You’re supposed to be making some life-defining decisions this month, Cancer, so don’t screw up your entire future. This does not include what courses you wind up taking, because college is the new high school. It won’t prepare you for anything except spending more time and money on further education. Congratulations.

Leo

You may be a little touchy this month, so refrain from letting your emotions get the best of you. Be especially on your guard against appearing disgusted, as schwarmy creeps often interpret disgust as flirtatious interest. If you happen to be a schwarmy creep, keep your hands off of your best friend’s ex. It’s just a bad idea.

Virgo

Don’t box yourself in this month. The stars advise leaving campus during the second two weeks of the month. If this horoscope is published after those two weeks, sucks for you. Remember Jessica Simpson, and challenge your fears: dolphins, water, whatever. No matter what you do, at least you’ll never be that stupid.

Libra

The online stars (elle.com) say that even though you claim you’re not flirting, most people are on to you. Just because your room has no heat and the pipes keep bursting doesn’t mean that you have to spend every night in a different person’s room. You might have better luck whoring yourself to your residential repairman.

Scorpio

You may experience a changing sense of identity and direction in life this month, especially if you made a bunch of stupid New Year’s resolutions. Your new situation probably won’t be any better than your old one, but it will probably annoy the hell out of your friends. If you live in a constant state of denial you should manage to pull through just fine.

Sagittarius

Your mannerisms are likely to be witty and engaging this month, possibly because you’ve become an alcoholic over winter break. Bourbon is an excellent way to keep warm, and sambuca tastes good in coffee. Sober up and you’ll most likely lose your newfound personality.

Capricorn

The stars recommend expressing yourself this month, but not necessarily in words. Grunts and other sub-human utterances ought to save you the trouble of meaningless conversations as effectively as large lecture courses. Slogan t-shirts, as always, should be avoided.

Aquarius

The online stars state that “Your position continues to get stronger.” But if you think it’s getting stronger, it definitely won’t. Flexibility is key. Invest in various positions without committing to a specific one. You won’t be disappointed unless you’re a schwarmy creep hitting on your friend’s ex.

Pisces

There’s no point to getting in arguments with friends, family members or peers this month, because you’ll lose. You’ll probably waste a lot of time, too, which you’re going to need to spend on all the classes you should have taken earlier in your illustrious college career.

OLIVIA CIACCI