Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)
You are not the only person who took D.S. and Freshman Orgo at the same time this year and disappeared. During the second semester, however, you will make a name for yourself. Everyone will know who you are. No one else will opt to parlay those experiences into a career in self-immolation. At least, not during Commencement.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)
Unprecedented success and unimaginable wealth will be yours for the taking. Unfortunately, your patent refusal to read the fine print in your contract will come back to haunt you. After all, there’s always a catch with Satan.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)
After running short of funds in the fall term, you will return to school determined to make yourself some spending money. With no experience, however, your standards are low. Painfully low. You will learn that in addition to enterprises that require new clothing, you should beware all new psych studies whose flyers make vague references to electrodes.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20)
This semester will be marked by distinct change found in your personal life. Unfortunately, it will be spare change. Your love life may have been compared to a dead fish before, but this spring will be the first time someone literally throws it back in your face. Now, fortunately, you have spare change. Call me. I know a girl who works York and Elm.
Aries (March 21 — April 19)
Your free spirit will not be caged. However, your stubbornness will prove to be your downfall. While the 15-year-old girls find your over-aggressive machismo “hot,” the New Haven PD does not. They know about your stores of pirated music. There is nowhere to hide.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20)
Ah, the bull. A stunning display of might and bubbling with testosterone. But, like Michael Jackson, you will look in at that (wo)man in the mirror and make a change. You adopt a different outlook on life: complete indifference and passivity. The world is your oyster, but you might not have the energy to bust it wide open. Look’s like you’re just full of bull — ba-ha-ha-ha — ha.
Gemini (May 21 — June 21)
Next semester promises to change your interpretation of “brotherly love.” We’re not talking fraternity or sorority, or even Philadelphia — but you’re getting closer. Let’s just say you’ll be disappointed that coming-out day was last semester. Look on the bright side; your performance in gender studies will skyrocket.
Cancer (June 22 — July 22)
Second semester sees you getting mad — mad play that is. Any one you see is yours for the taking. Enjoy the fruits of your pheromones’ labors. But you might want to schedule an April appointment at UHS. Crabs above the Equator may be your friend, but those below definitely are not.
Leo (July 23 — August 22)
Your fear of not knowing what to take next semester will be resolved when watching “Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius” convinces you that want to become a scientist. Unfortunately, your first night back from Christmas vacation, you and some friends will get smashed and break into Sterling Chemistry Lab. Only realizing later that playing with matches and various organic chemicals was a bad idea, you manage to burn down Science Hill. While thousands of science majors will idolize you for years after the new science complex is built on Cross Campus, you won’t know it until after your sentence is up in 2024.
Virgo (August 23 — September 22)
After months of deliberation, you will finally resolve to talk to the really hot girl in your English class. However, it turns out you were right all along; she does think you’re stupid, she really doesn’t like how you talk and she thinks your haircut sucks. She also saw you that time you got drunk and ran naked across Old Campus screaming, “I’m a hairy monkey!” On the bright side, your next English 120 paper, written on the meaning of the statement, “Let’s just be friends,” gets you an A.
Libra (September 23 — October 22)
It turns out that all of those people who you didn’t think knew you have been secretly admiring you for months. They are in awe of your intelligence, physique and constant kindness. They have been trying for months to figure out just how they can show you their appreciation for the fact that you are alive. Fortunately, we will help them by saying that they can always bring gifts and offers of sexual favors to Lanman-Wright D52.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)
Your search to finally find an extracurricular activity ends when you discover that you love squash. Sadly, you suck at it. A lot. All of the other kids laugh at you behind your back, especially when you play with the small balls. However, it’s not really fair to say that the kids you play squash with don’t like you. In fact, no one likes you. Everyone is laughing at you. Go home small-balls.
Dan ‘Hairy Monkey’ Adler can predict with 100 percent certainty that he will not be awake when you read this. Jeff ‘Low Standards’ Muskus does not believe “Dear Abby’s” claim that the Psychic Friends Network is getting back together. Adam ‘Boy, it itches’ Weber is a sophomore at Miss Cleo’s College.