Online horoscopes quoted from:


You may have been stuck in a rut lately. In which case it’s time to try something new, because it’s so easy to break out of one sphere at Yale and enmesh yourself in another incestuous pit of writhing snakes. But don’t be discouraged, you are The Ram: you need danger and excitement. So do get out there and embarrass yourself. It’ll be fun.


No joke, your online stars say that you are “stuck with a bad choice. Pretend all you want, but the feeling that you could do something more stays with you. The weekend brings you better opportunities.” Which means it’s time to tell that bad hookup the “truth” and keep on fishin’.


Unfortunately, your excessive socializing may have landed you on the wrong end of Taurus’ week — time to reevaluate your social agenda. The stars suggest losing the agenda. Only freshmen actually go to see all of their friends’ shows. The more shows, the more parties, the more times you will become Taurus’ bad hookup.


“Who ya gonna call?” No one, because e-mail is a much better way to be misunderstood. Such is your fate this month, because even if you don’t type anything you wouldn’t say in real life, the things you say in real life are so heinous they couldn’t possibly be adequately conveyed via e-mail. Work on that.


The stars say that it’s time to be selfish. So push that fool out of your way, and go talk to your object of desire. It’s not as if you won’t totally humiliate yourself after two seconds of attempted flirtation. And don’t share your cash/drugs/alcohol this month. Mooch off your friends. What do they need it for, anyway? They’re just studying for finals —


It’s all a vicious cycle. School = finals = stress. You break out from the stress and get a facial, and the facial makes you break out. You get another facial and you look so good you go out and hook up with someone. Hookup = neglect of skincare routine = breakout. Or, hookup = nasty = more stress = breakout. Might as well stay in, study, and be ugly.


“F*** what I said, it don’t mean s*** now — F*** you you h*, I don’t want you back –” Right, the stars would like to request that you please stop playing the “F*** It” song by Eamon on repeat. It’s your own damn fault that you loved a h*. No one wants to hear about it if it happened more than five minutes ago.


Oh, dear God: “Self-pity widens the gap that you should be working to narrow. If you’re going to complain, some people would rather skip the conversation altogether. Individualistic Scorpio does best when fitting in.” In other words, kiddo, you’re absolutely awful, so try to be someone else.


Stop complaining about the fact that no one can guess your sexual orientation. At least they’re asking! And besides, giving yourself an air of mystery makes you all the more — intriguing? If you’re too mysterious, no one will bother to hit on you, so maybe it’s time to become a little more aggressive.


Consider the consequences of your actions this month. If you smile at absolutely everyone you see, how are they supposed to know you hate them? Unless you’ve got something nasty tatooed to your forehead, they’ll never guess.ÊIt’s not such a horrible thing to only spend time with people you genuinely like.


This month, recognize that it’s possible to get through the day without a definite opinion on everything. But when an unwanted acquaintance shows up somewhere unexpected, ditch the open mind and give ’em hell. You can always blame it on finals.


Online horoscope: “Unconventional Pisces stands alone. If the thought of isolation bothers you, wait a few days before expressing your strange ideas. By going incognito, you can learn more about the mainstream.” Translation: Freak, figure your own mess out before burdening the rest of society with your need to be “special.” Disguise yourself as an egomaniac and surely you will discover just how mainstream you are.