The stars consulted astroabby.com for some of this month’s horoscopes.
Physical activity is good for Fire Signs, supposedly facilitating awareness and understanding. So watch the baseball game from the treadmill in the gym, because you need to be aware of what that couch is doing to your midterm-weary body.ÊAnd how are you going to get any understanding if you spend all your nights on the couch?ÊYou should look to the stars, who are out every night — (bad pun, we know, sorry!)
Your sign has powers of persuasion, so either persuade Aries to hit the parties with you, or persuade yourself to put some clothes on before you go out, because it is getting cold.ÊJust because you think your midriff looks good doesn’t mean you should display it in freezing weather.ÊSpend a night or two inside this month — this campus is sick enough.
You have the great gift of making others feel loved and respected, except for when you are entirely self-centered and annoying. You’re probably the reason certain “very special” dining halls have banned cell phones. How important are you, anyway? Do you write the horoscopes?
According to the stars, you need to let go of something that’s been a part of your identity for the past seven years, like that OMC CD from 1996.Ê”How Bizarre,” you are completely out of touch with pop culture. Where do you go to school again?
It’s starting to get cold and you need someone to keep you warm. Luckily, the love of your life will appear suddenly before your eyes — just make sure he doesn’t get in them. (And if he does, Visine.) If you know the love of your life is a female, go ahead and hook up with as many as you can. The stars are sure you’ll find her that way.
You’re supposed to trust your intuition, except when it leads to puking all night and winding up at University Health Services.ÊAccording to the stars, you have great inner strength, which hopefully your acid-ridden thorax hasn’t exhausted. Conserve whatever’s left and abstain from the alcohol this month — at least until Thanksgiving.
According to the online stars, “when you have friends, you have hope.”ÊFriends are not people you plan to use for sex, they’re people you plan to use for lecture notes and/or alcohol. Try and take some notes between now and the Thanksgiving holiday, otherwise you will completely piss off what few friends you have left and flunk finals.
You may think you’re physically irresistable, but if you’re a heterosexual male on this campus with the gift of speech, you probably don’t even have to wash your hair to interest a conquest in your elusive charms. The “Jack Black”-effect will be going strong for all sexual orientations this month.
This is not a good month to be a loner: ease up on the caffeine-driven nights in the weenie bin and get outside once in a while. There’s an old adage: “Rhodes scholars are individuals with great futures behind them.” Might as well follow in Clinton’s footsteps and give yourself a few opportunities to not inhale.
The online stars say to prepare yourself for scrutiny this month.ÊOf every kind.ÊSo just when you think you’ve recovered from being shot down numerous times and receiving less-than-perfect grades, you’ll arrive home for Thanksgiving in time to be told to have a piece of fruit instead of pumpkin pie. Have fun.
If you’re a senior, start working your connections and find yourself a job. If you’re not a senior, quit complaining and get over yourself — Yale is a bubble.ÊWhat passes for panache is often alcoholism driven by a complete misunderstanding of social interaction.
You should be attracting fascinating people this month, so hopefully you won’t bore them to death with the standard “I’m so tired/I’m so stressed out /I got so drunk last night.”ÊThe stars predict you’ll be boring them to death with “So — going to Harvard-Yale?” Way to live up to Aquarius’ standards.
Olivia Ciacci is a junior in Morse College.