When assigned this article, I was asked to write about “what people will be wearing this fall.” A perfectly legitimate request, considering almost every magazine has an article on the very same topic, and yet, when I sat down to think about answering this question, I realized just how ridiculous it really was.
First, who are the “people” anyway? Two hundred years ago, the “people” were revolutionaries descending the streets of Paris, forcefully demanding bread from the wicked aristocracy. Today, “people” are the people who people People magazine, i.e. celebrities and their flavors of the month.
Those “people” are nothing like my people, because those “people” have fake breasts, personal shoppers and Pilates instructors as boyfriends. And let’s be honest, these “people” are the only people who can actually afford the clothes “people” will be wearing this fall.
Personally, I’ll be wearing exactly what I wore last fall this fall. Naturally, this doesn’t stop me from devouring the fall collections and drooling at what those “people” will be wearing. It’s important to know these things. Not because it will come up as a topic of conversation, but because it’s fun to pretend.
Here are the must-knows for this fall:
1. Marc Jacobs is OUT. If you happen to own anything by this designer, make sure you remind people that it’s “old MJ.”
2. Thanks to its little girl look, always a bestseller with the sixty-year-old customer, Chanel is still forever.
3. The YSL collection by Tom Ford is basically as unwearable this fall as it was last fall, unless you’re Demi Moore and want to show your bra because Ashton Kutcher is holding your hand.
4. Prada is back. After a brief stint in the unwearable category, Miuccia has finally regained her senses and stuck to what she knows best: nostalgic, elegant clothing. This includes tweed skirt suits with thin belts, to be worn around the waist, and long collar-less coats in dark grey and brown.
5. Marni is cool, and is posed to take over from Marc Jacobs as the in-house fashion designer for the downtown hipster. Look out for this designer’s brightly-colored abstract forms and tunic dresses, worn over brown leather boots.
6. Rick Owens is finally really the new thing. Spot his floppy jackets on every model’s back. Made of soft leather, sweatshirt material, and cashmere all at once, these prized items are sure to fly off the shelves.
7. Robert Cavalli is disgusting.
Now let’s talk about the clothes we can actually wear and buy. Here are my tips for the fall. If you like them, apply them to the stores just within our price range, Urban Outfitters and J. Crew, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t be reading this article anyway.
1. Thank you, Marni, for paving the way for a return to color. If you are like me and are better prepared for a funeral than a bar mitzvah, make sure you only buy color this fall. Of course, not all colors are ok. Try to follow Marni’s palette, which includes canary yellow, mauve, lilac, traffic light red and military green. Mix these colors with rich browns and dabs of black.
2. Get Urban Outfitters’ long-sleeved tops with pinched shoulders for $28, in emerald green, electric blue and cotton candy pink (I only use these color names in the object of being specific, but I too find them obnoxious).
3. Heels are back, and with a vengeance. Literally. Fortunately, pointy shoes are history. If you can afford it, buy round-toed shoes with a strap around the ankle.
4. Skinny pants are in, for everyone, whatever your body type. If the prospect of wearing tapered, tight-fitting pants scares you, get over it.
5. Blazers are on their way out. If you want to buy a jacket, make sure it is floppy, short and has buttons up to the neck. Urban Outfitters has a nice selection in petrol blue and dark green corduroy for $48. They will not keep you warm, but they look good.
6. Warmth is not a side point. It is the point. So if you buy a blazer, make sure you already have a warm jacket or coat. Otherwise, come December, you will look like a snowman, layered in three sweaters and two jackets. Buy the J. Crew city coat, which has four pockets, two at the breast and two at the hip. Try not to get it in black — classics don’t have to come in funeral colors.
7. If you can’t afford to buy anything new this season, just stick to mixing fabrics — definitely this season’s hottest trick. Wear wool with silk, leather with velvet and sweats with lace, or all of them at once for ultimate effect.
If you’ve read up to this point and still want part one, but can only afford part two, here is the biggest pointer of them all: shop at consignment stores. There are several in New York, and each offers different, but equally affordable, designer clothing options. Fisch for the Hip is probably the best one. Located at 153 W. 18th Street, in New York, Chelsea, the store specializes in very upscale secondhand designer clothing.
The great thing about this store is that hidden behind the Prada are the good designers, like Helmut Lang, Comme des Garcons and Jill Sander. The problem with this store is that too many people know about it, so the great stuff goes very quickly.
So, dear editor, this fall everyone will be wearing what “people” were wearing last fall.