I just found out that my boyfriend of 6 months has been cheating on me– What do you suggest for revenge?

Cheating on you after six months? Hey, that’s not so bad. If it makes you feel any better, I usually get cheated on in the first eight weeks. Maybe you can give me some pointers. But if that’s not enough consolation for you, let’s discuss your options.

Revenge can be tricky; like an innocent e-mail from the Silliman Beach Club, it can have a way of coming back to haunt you (I mean, honestly, who hits “reply all” to a mass e-mail in the first place). There are, of course, the classics: you know, sleep with his best friend, poison his food, etc. And rumors are always fun, plus you can cater them to the Yale scene by touching on things Yalies really hold dear, such as, “He’s taking Physics 110 Credit/D,” or “He got in off the wait-list.”

In the end, though, I believe good revenge requires good imagination. Lorena Bobbitt used her imagination. So did the Duchess of Malfi.

But let’s face it, there’s really only one good revenge, and that’s moving on with your life. ‘Cause once they see you’re gone, those pathetic fools are back at your feet, weeping and moaning and making you realize just how crappy they were in the first place. Of course, moving on with his best friend could help speed up the process.

Most importantly, though, this is a good time to share with everyone the simple dichotomy that I have so thankfully learned. People who suck cheat; people who don’t suck do not cheat. In short, it’s simple: stay away from the people who suck. And for you perverts out there, I mean suck in the bad way.

Sometimes, when we’re out on the weekend with a large group of people (and we’re all a little tipsy) my girlfriend loudly announces to everyone that I have a small penis. Maybe it’s a joke, maybe not. How do I get her to stop?

Wait, give me a second, I need to stop laughing at you– Okay, thanks.

So anyway, your girlfriend’s got a big mouth and likes to make small talk. Let’s first try and find out whether she really means her quantity commentary as a joke.

To start, some simple questions: when you and your girlfriend are having sex, do you ever open your eyes and find her reading One Hundred Years of Solitude? Or perhaps you’ve noticed that she moans more while eating a Big Mac than while sampling your small fries. If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, or even if you blushed while reading them, then we can safely assume that she’s not making a joke; the real joke’s on you.

But small penis aside, the issue is clearly that your girlfriend has no problem sharing intimate details about you with other people. You’re going to need to talk to her about it, preferably while neither of you is “a little tipsy” (and please, never use that phrase again; I’m embarrassed for you). Of course, if you really don’t want to bring it up, you could always just give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time you’re drunk and out with the group, feel free to loudly announce to everyone that she has a large vagina — see how she likes that!

Seriously though, this is all about your self-confidence. Does is matter if your penis is small and if your girlfriend tells everyone? It’s the age-old question of does size really matter. Of course, the answer is yes, but it’s guys like you with small penises who keep insisting that it’s still up in the air.

Matt Horowitz would like to thank the Academy.