Rumored to have recently returned from a pig-slaughtering spree in northern Maine, quoted as saying “those poor pigs, hahaha?” David Duchovny seeks refund for previously-bought merchandise.
It was reported by a Yale student (Berkeley ’04) that on Aug. 17 outside of the upscale but trendy clothing retail epicenter Gap (second only to the corporate colossus known to the public as “Urban Outfitters”) that David Duchovny, better known as Special Agent Mulder of the critically-acclaimed alien-hunting sitcom “X-Files,” was seen. Duchovny was captured attempting to return a pair of stonewashed jeans, which were on sale when he originally purchased them. Unfortunately, the receipt had been visibly altered to appear as if the stonewashed jeans were bought at nonsale price. A cashier was heard to say “Mr. Duchovny, this is no laughing matter, I can tell what you did to the receipt.”
Interviewed later, the cashier claimed she let it slide because she feared media backlash and that “my 17 year-old nephew just can’t get enough of him and that Agent Scully, but we can all agree the red hair just has to go. He suffers from shopping dismorphia; how can I really blame him?”
Shopping dismorphia is a disease, common among the outspoken and extremely wealthy left-wing faction that is Hollywood, also known as the one percent of financially-elite Americans whom Bush seeks to give tax relief. The disease stems from the fact that these people no longer have a sense of consumer reality. They live in a world where outwitting a major corporation is a daily obsession. They become so detached from reality that they truly think they can imitate type print with a ballpoint pen.
Upon sighting Duchovny, the Yale student initiated small talk. Duchovny apparently said, “Just got back from pig farm up North — man that was fun. Wish I could do it again, but that Scully, man, she has me on a tight leash!” Throughout the conversation, Duchovny admitted to participating in a global pig-slaughtering “game” located on a remote farm in Maine. Celebrities and CEOs alike all participate in this ruthless, barbaric slaughtering of our curly-tailed predecessors (alleged science), slaughtering in an organized, controlled fashion, in numbers determined by a point system, which is in turn based on the decibel level of the attacked pigs’ squeal and the severity of current media hype surrounding the attacker. No self-respecting Third World country would condone such brutality, so all pigs are cryogenically frozen in their altered posthunt state and shipped to Spain where the federal government has established a voucher system for the hunters to receive credit for their accomplishments in the form of new pairs of Diesel jeans.
Mr. Duchovny has also recently been in the media due to his original “stereotype-busting” campaign to teach kids that strangers can be trusted. Mr. Duchovny has been spotted at elementary schools across the country dressed in beat-up flannel shirts and torn-up stonewashed jeans, offering kids candy. He hopes to teach the children that taking candy is not bad and that it is in fact beneficial to both parties, stranger and small, defenseless child.
“This is so the next time a nice man offers them candy in the parking lot, they will politely accept, and then everybody is happy,” Duchovny was rumored to have said. Mr. Duchovny has everybody from the ATF to MADD after his pale, hairless, scuffed ass, and when reportedly confronted by the FBI, he was quoted as saying to an unnamed special agent, “What’s the big deal? If you make me stop giving away these single-size packets of mini-Gushers, I am just going to give them away on Halloween when they are long past stale. Over my unconscious, pasty body, Officer. HaHaHa!”
Mr. Duchovny is still under investigation, and it remains to be seen if his notable career in science fiction/conspiracy theory has come to an end. Thank You.
Dicky Shanor and Ryan King are honorably pursuing your goals as citizens who are not blessed with the eye for spotting incognito celebrities. To those of you still using liberal Apple Macintosh computers, we’re sorry. Paintbrush was cool in seventh grade. Not anymore.