This month’s horoscopes found astrological tutelage in the universe of the Internet. I expanded on them. A little. http://www.horoscopes.astrology.com
“Popularity never hurt anyone in your position.” Probably because you were — and most likely still are — a huge dork and are just realizing that people can enjoy your company despite your defects. Didn’t you ever see the 80’s movie Can’t Buy Me Love? All you need is a telescope, some extra cash, a bottle of wine, and a complete makeover. Then some really cool person will want to have sex with you. Ahem, honest–
“The time has come to stand alone, whether or not you deserve the isolation.” If you’re a freshman, you may be feeling a little too isolated, alone in the common room while your roommate thumps his or her bed against the wall. The stars foresee that some day you will grow to appreciate this isolation, and wish that you were in fact alone — far, far away from all the people who annoy you. Just give it a few weeks.
“Remember first names and know exactly when to use them.” For example, don’t use the wrong first name. If you do use the wrong first name, for pete’s sake don’t insist that the nameless blonde looks “just like” her brunette friend. Your sign is the twin — you should place special emphasis on differentiating between all of the vastly unique individuals on this beautifully almost-diverse campus.
“Focus your energy on the things that inspire or flatter you.” Step one: don’t buy pants that don’t fit you. High(er)-waisted pants are coming back, but for those less interested in fashion, let the stars define the “waist:” it’s that area above your hips. For many, this is the slightly paunchy part that hangs out over pants that don’t fit. If you aren’t a depressed alcoholic yet, buy pants a little bigger for the end of the semester.
“It’s time to be bold and bright. Your inner Lion prances and roars.” Probably because you’ve been starving that Lion for a couple weeks to get the most out of your Yale rebate checks and lose that last five pounds left over from summer debauchery. Or maybe you’re just one of the bold and the bright who are absolutely oblivious to how depressed you really are. Keep searching, Leo, the stars are certain you’ll find your disorder yet.
“Follow an unexpected course to throw others off your trail. You might even like what you find yourself doing.” You’re either psychotic and think you actually have a trail, or you’re enrolled because of your parents’ illegal connections. Like you’re going to find yourself doing anything but claiming your name is John Nash or trying to buy drugs?
“This is a month that bodes well for people who are paid to use their brains.” What week isn’t? It’s not like you were contemplating selling your body to the night. Take off that red dress, Roxanne — you get to keep on using that good ol’ brain this week. But watch out for weekends (i.e., Thursdays through–?), because that naughty red dress might wind up on a Yale Web site somewhere Mommy and Daddy can Google it.
“Strange consequences are easier to understand when you accept your role in creating them.” So when you wake up with God-knows-what, try and think back to the last time you were sober.
“The stars, and in fact the universe in general, are doing you a big favor.” This sentence may not be grammatically correct, but it’s right on target otherwise: thank the whole goddamn universe that you aren’t out there on the corner every night with Libra. No, you’ve been spared the evils of the night for days spent with Gemini, trying to make sure you remember everyone’s name. Congratulations.
“Someone pushes past you, breaking your concentration. Raw materials increase in price as the supply shrinks.” Dead honest, that’s what the online stars say for you this month. Maybe you’re supposed to take an econ course or something. Either that, or some huge-ass raw materials are right behind ya.
“You can abuse your power just as easily as you acquire it.” But you won’t be acquiring any, Aquarius, because you’ll be just barely up on your feet when BOOM, midterms hit. The elusive concept of power is something you’ll be chasing with either caffeine or mescaline.
“You should be delighted to mind your own business.” So spend the month figuring out whatever your own business is, and leave the rest of us alone. Except Taurus, who’s in the market for a partner to help make her own thump sounds.