I auditioned for several comedy groups and was rejected by all of them. Now, when I see the members of the groups on the street, I’m kind of embarrassed and I’m not really sure what to do. I would make a joke about it, but clearly I’m not funny. Help!

Members of improv groups are known for their quick reactions. Try kicking one of them in the shins and see how quickly they react!

Seriously, though, I know it can be awkward to see people on campus who you believe have rejected you. But you shouldn’t take it too personally. Quite often you’ll find that casting decisions are based on a variety of factors, not just whether you’re funny. These groups may have been able to take only one or two new members this year. Or maybe they found your personality to be abrasive and disturbing. Whatever influenced the final outcome, you should rest assured that your talent was probably only one of the many variables they had to weigh before they decided that you just weren’t Purple Crayon material (or Exit Players, or Viola Question, or Just Add Water).

What I would suggest is that, if you see these members on your way to class, don’t feel like you have to run and hide from them. Say “Hello,” if that’s what you’re comfortable with. You really only interacted with these people for a few days, so I don’t think you’re under any obligation to go out of your way to be friendly. Eventually, they’ll forget who you are, you won’t feel so awkward when you bump into them, and then it’s time for your final move: Show up at one of their shows, and, when they ask the audience for suggestions, yell out, “Oh, so now you need my help?!” -L.G.

Ouch. Not one? That’s funny, actually. You should go on the road with your failure — I’d laugh and maybe pay $2. Oh yeah, you have a question. Well, these are entirely social organizations and you might have been funny, in all honesty, but you had a harelip or gross malocclusion or other disfiguring atrocity. Talent doesn’t always play a role in this. Think a cappella — they just didn’t want to hook up with you. And that’s OK.

You might still be able to be their friend, but don’t expect anything sexual. Actually, I wouldn’t suggest saying “hello.” They might be drunk and yell “Scene!” in your face, or try to monkey wrestle. Just walk by briskly, pull your collar up, and perhaps spit at them after you’ve passed. Hopefully you’re a Group IV kid and attractiveness and comic ability will have nothing to do with your Yale career.

Regardless, you’re an official Yalie now that you have failed at something. Welcome. -D.G.

With the recent barrage of lawsuits over downloading music, I have become completely paranoid about using KaZaa. I’ve deleted all of the music from my computer, but I absolutely cannot part with my porn collection. Am I going to get sued for downloading porn?

In the wake of Napster, downloading music has become a tricky legal issue. Nowadays it seems that almost anything you do on the Internet can put you before a court of law, from participating in a child pornography ring to downloading Kelly Clarkson’s hit single, “Miss Independent.” What has been made abundantly clear during the Napster trials is that downloading songs for free undermines an artist’s integrity. However, Internet porn undermines nobody’s integrity, so download all you want! In summary, downloading Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” for your next sangria party IS illegal, whereas downloading Christina Aguilera in a comprising position with a guitar on the cover of Rolling Stone is NOT.

Still confused? Think of it this way. The Internet was not meant to allow people to be able to get as many songs by today’s popular artists as they want for free. No, sir. This would destroy the recording industry as we know it and would force bands to concentrate on creating a cohesive, well-planned album — rather than just one radio-friendly single. The Internet was created for one thing and one thing only: free porn. No one can take that away from you, not even the government. You can visit persiankitty.com secure in the knowledge that you have a God-given right to view pornography on the Internet for free. Just make sure you erase all those Justin Timberlake songs from your hard drive before the Feds come after you. -L.G.

I think your biggest concern is not being sued, but playing Xtina at your parties. We really should remedy that bit first, but one cannot imbue proper musical taste in 250 words or less. On the subject of porn, hmm — true contemplation is needed for this one. I doubt porn is all that illegal. These companies definitely dish out a hot little clip and then cut it off right before the money shot — not that I would know. So they are essentially like crack dealers — giving a little bit for free, hoping you will search out and purchase that ridiculous scene with seven bodies, three orifices, and the pinata made in the shape of Mount Rushmore. After all, you’re just dying to know what happens to Washington’s face. The ole hook-’em-like-crack-whores marketing scheme works every time. Bastards. So yeah, it’s probably okay to download those little porn clip thingies. Just stay hydrated and take breaks. Forearm cramps can really ruin a Saturday night. -D.G.