On Sept. 2 outside of the upscale-but-trendy Oxford/Cambridge Condominium complex where students pay the “Big Buck$” to fraternize in the lap of luxury, a Yale student (Berkeley ’04) saw Hugh Grant with an interested look on his face.
He was photographed writing down the number to contact the powers that be concerning his publicly stated need for a “place to escape from the madness of it all.” This madness stems from the recent public scrutiny Hugh has faced in his homeland of England over his full backing of the U.S. policy on shipments of genetically modified corn to starving southern Africa.
Hugh has been vociferous on the matter, allegedly quoted in a London publication as saying, “My grandmother always said, “One didn’t survive the Spanish Inquisition by choosing, one made it through by begging!” so hence the phrase I coined and have used ever since, ‘beggars can’t be choosers,’ and I can tell that even though the southern Africans aren’t saying it, I can tell they are begging, hence they can’t choose then.”
After this major falter Hugh continued to “shoot blanks” when he came out publicly against Chex Cereal. His alleged plan to start a cereal company that could “rival that damn cereal Chex” was a complete bust. He lost a chunk of the money he made from “The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain (1985)” by investing it in a mix that would rival Chex Mix. His cereal idea was to copy Chex exactly, but not have “those bloody holes in the cereal.” Apparently the public was not enticed by his promise of the cereal having 15 percent more rice per actual piece and a guarantee that any pieces with holes could be redeemed for their weight in copper at any local deli. Rumors of mob involvement quickly halted the project that Grant says, “was my ticket out of this American trap that is my career.” His last-ditch effort, “Mickey Blue Eyes” also flopped in the Global Box office, bringing the almighty Hugh Grant to his hairless, pale and scuffed knees.
In a related story, rumor has it that he called Mayor John DeStefano, New Haven’s reigning king, who has a long and fabled history of catering to celebrities. With the upcoming mayoral election and public scrutiny concerning his adoration of Hollywood, DeStefano would prefer not to have these photos published in the pages of the News. Hugh and the Mayor were seen kicking up their heels at the train station, throwing bread at pigeons and trying to kick them when they came close. An onlooker said that DeStefano, a former soccer player at Hotchkiss School, “kicked kind of funny.” But we feel that Elm Citiers have the right to know when their politicians are secretly hob-knobbing with elitist celebrities at the expense of their tax dollar. Rest assured that Hugh Grant will not go “hobo-stomping” in New Haven without these watchful eyes catching him in the act. (Some of these facts may or may not be alleged.)
Dicky and Ryan, noble citizens with journalistic tendencies and paparazzi-esque pretensions, reside in New Haven with their most valued treasure, the solace they receive from informing you, The People. Thank you.