On Tuesday, the fearless scene editors asked me to write a column for this week’s fashion issue. So I sat down for 10 minutes and wrote a column. If there’s one thing I learned from Noelle Hancock, it’s that when one has nothing to write about, one should make a list of what one is bitter about. So here is my list.
Fashion trends at Yale that I am done with:
Those long leather coats with the Shetland stitching on the outside. Is this really necessary? Do you really want us to focus more on the fact that your coat was perfectly sewn by a Malaysian four-year-old? Whenever a girl walks by in those coats, I think “Wow, little Wei is getting better and better!”
Abercrombie and Fitch shirts with numbers. Aren’t we done with Abercrombie yet? And why does everyone seem to be the number nine? What, are you number nine on the two-hand touch rugby team?
Labels. I’m tired of clothing that tells you where it is from. This is 2003 — you can get Diesel and Lacoste on Ebay and Dior from Filene’s Basement. I can buy a “Fundi” purse on the street in SoHo and it looks just like Natalie Krinsky’s Fendi from Fifth Avenue. Nobody cares where you got your pointy shoes except for you.
Salvation Army chic. This is even more insulting than the previous trend. You think you are trendy because you buy your clothes at poverty prices? “Salvo” is not a designer label. It’s a store for poor people to buy decent clothing at cheap prices. But Yalies insist upon going to stores like Goodwill, seeking out all the trendy clothing, and taking it from people who really need the discount. Are you proud of this? You’re theater people, for Christ’s sake. Act like you have a brain.
I would also complain about Urban Outfitters, but why mess with perfection? They’re already the biggest joke on themselves.
Mamoun’s T-shirts. What, are they giving these away for free with your new FOOT Nalgene these days? Just a tip — putting something in the hamper does not make it clean.
Fashion sneakers. Okay, I have a plan. I’ll put on my Reeboks and you put on your Steve Maddens and we’ll have a race. Winner gets to kill the loser for a pair of Air Jordans.
Baseball Tees. Does every Yale club need to have a baseball tee? No one will ever believe there was ever a Duke’s Men baseball team. What, is there suddenly a gay World Series no one told me about? Do they all play catcher?
Puffy jackets. It’s like huge puffy jackets are the Cadillacs of the year 2000. Size doesn’t show wealth anymore, P. Diddy. Go park your Escalade with my grandma’s Tahoe and buy a jacket that fits.
J. Press scarves. I don’t know how J. Press ever tricked perfectly logical people into thinking those itchy, ugly scarves were acceptable, but the college scarves make you look like you walked through the party streamers at a bar mitzvah and nobody told you. I have to say, though, to the Conservative Party: Keep it up. I like it when I can see you coming.
Strike signs. So hot right now. Maybe that will keep my American Studies teaching assistant warm at 5 a.m. Or maybe he could just come inside and grade my goddamn midterm.
Body Glitter. I am stunned that this trend ever made it past sixth grade. Then it was cute. Now it just looks like your cleavage is sweating. Hot!
Unconventional Yale sweatshirts. Now, you’d think I would have a problem with the classic blue Yale hoodie that everyone wears, but I don’t. I think it’s a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Sometimes you have to wear it, and it’s comfortable. But the light blue one? And the yellow one? Are you an asshole? Yale has that color of navy blue copyrighted so no one else can wear it. It’s like replacing blue with yellow on the American flag. It may go well with your complexion, but just because you have jaundice doesn’t mean you can mess with a symbol.
Sleeveless shirts at the gym. What, are your biceps too big for regular shirts? Hey water polo team, we can see your backne. Don’t make us change our locker room fantasy — the soccer team has been on deck for a while.
Pants with words written on the ass. Ha ha. You have writing on your ass. Are we done yet?
People who complain about Yale fashion. Yup. To be honest, I think we do pretty well. We’re not the cutest school in the world, but people here can usually dress. I don’t know how I feel about Doodle hats, clogs or spandex in the dining hall, but I’m not one to talk. I still wear shirts I wore when I was 11.
They still look hot, you know.
This issue is full of fashion tips, but for God’s sake, just wear whatever makes you look good. Because no matter how smart or fun you are, if you don’t look good, I’m not inviting you to my birthday party.
It’s after break. Start planning now.
Chris Rovzar has jeans with whisker lines on them. And he is not proud of it.