Aries

You tend to attract others and choose your loves by sight and their mental qualities. At Yale, these two qualities are often found best when intoxicated. But while you please and stimulate, you never satisfy. Could it be the whiskey? You’ll be lucky if you can even get started. Fickle, your primary interest is conquest. Think Abraham Lincoln, Perry Como, Mia Farrow, Henry Luce. You are so not hot right now.

Taurus

There is no such thing as platonic love for you, stud. Nor do you have any sense of shame. Perchance you have an inflatable sex pig? But once you find yourself in a relationship, you do tend to be rather conventional. Your famous co-signs are Paul McCartney, Jean-Paul Sartre, Warren Beatty, and Charlie Chaplin, among others. Best to stay away from Beatles’ songs this month — try something a little more romantic. The pig will appreciate it.

Gemini

You are essentially rational, and rarely like to be touched or fondled. Fondling is downright gross anyway. You also have a short attention span; intellectual about love, you tend to love in mind or spirit, but not the body. Sound familiar? Has anyone here not overanalyzed a relationship before it even had a chance to happen? On the bright side, your admirers come in pairs or even in large numbers, like those of Dr. Spock, Ringo Starr, and Kafka. Hahahahahahaha.

Cancer

You need love, dude. You’re very emotional, but you just sit there waiting for the love to come to you. With that attitude, the only thing that’s going to come on, er, to you is some random person at Beta, and that’s only ’cause they won’t be able to get through the door without rubbing up against every part of your body unintentionally. Look to the memoirs of your fellow Cancers for advice: LBJ, Napoleon, and Louis Armstrong.

Leo

You tend to dominate those you love. But, you’re big-hearted, magnetic, noble, decent, and humanitarian, so being dominated by you may not be all that bad. As fellow lions, Leo Tolstoy and William Faulkner must have felt the same way you do — lonely. Time to read up on Russia and the South to remind yourself of your potential to affect humanity. Or you could just corner Cancer at Beta.

Virgo

Your famous co-Virgos are a little intimidating: Fidel Castro, Chiang Kai-Shek, and Ernest Hemingway. No wonder you tend to be cerebral, cold, and put more head than heart into love. Anyone who puts too much head into anything needs to learn how to reciprocate. Think pickup lines: “Hey, my name is Chiang Kai-Shek, and I’m here to conquer your world.”

Libra

All love is sacred to you, but you’re so darn refined and subtle that you are often misunderstood. You also have a horror of anything ordinary — Astrology for Adults says you tend to resort to perversions because you are so imaginative. Hopefully you’re not pulling any Picasso-like moves on girls with four heads and blue noses. Other Libras include Oscar Wilde and Petula Clark — not a bad combination if you need to loosen up.

Scorpio

So your Scorpio compatriots are Gandhi, Billy Graham, and Marie Antoinette. You love intensely — “in the physical sense,” according to Astrology for Adults. Hope Billy Graham doesn’t find out. But those of the scorpion “dissipate relentlessly and are frequently degenerates or drunks. Most of you overdo when it comes to sex.” Now that’s what you call Christian charity. The stars say: shack up with Virgo this Valentine’s Day.

Sagittarius

You have brilliant but ephemeral love; you just don’t want to be tied down. Such a description hardly calls to mind Eisenhower, Douglas MacArthur, or Charles de Gaulle, but apparently, they share your sign. Joan Baez — now that’s a little more believable. Only the most subtle and intense ploys will attract you, so try staring out of the window of Koffee Too? like an over-caffeinated, sophisticated zombie. That’s really hot.

Capricorn

Supposedly, moral beauty appeals to you more than a great rack or a hot bottom, but seeing how you spend most of your waking hours in search of a good time, there’s probably something else you find more appealing. Other Capricorns are Frank Sinatra, Joan of Arc, Richard Burton, and J.D. Salinger — now don’t tell me you don’t like to get your party on. Next Valentine’s Day, try talking to a hooker all night in a hotel room.

Aquarius

Your Aquarius companions include FDR, Lord Byron, Henry Matisse, Sammy Davis Jr. and Lady Bird Johnson. Ain’t you a sexy b****. According to Astrology for Adults, “When Aquarius is afflicted — there is a tendency to have love affairs with all and sundry.” Just as long as you don’t take it to Byron’s extreme (his sister, everyone in the world), you should be fine.

Pisces

Barbra Streisand, Shirley MacLaine, Victor Hugo, George Washington, Richard Nixon, Adlai Stevenson, Ronald Reagan, Van Gogh — you Pisces are all sensitive people. You just keep on giving, never asking for anything in return, probably because you’re either masochistic, passive-aggressive, and/or have only one ear. So you were alone on the 14th: Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday invented by Hallmark and the Catholic Church. Give it a rest and take your medication.

Note: This month’s horoscopes rely on the astrological genius of Vassar graduate Joan Quigley’s book, Astrology for Adults.